HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY!!!

Hey, son, this visit is a little late and I apologize for that. For some reason this birthday has been extremely hard! I can't explain why but it just is. I'm really hard on myself this time around. I haven't had a chance to go put your flower's on your grave and I didn't get a chance to buy you any toys. I know your angelvarsary is coming up next month and all I feel is dread!! I dread January as much as I dread December. I will make my way to see you I promise you that. I can't believe you are 4 years old. Just thinking about missing out on 4 years of your life blows my mind. I feel so robbed!!! Robbed of precious moments and times with you. I miss the hugs and kisses I could be receiving from you and I miss the sibling rivalry that I know would exist between you and your sisters!! I just miss you all together!! You are my baby boy and you mean the world to me!!

I hope you enjoyed your balloons! We sent you 30 of them and I hope you shared with all your angel friends too! Your sisters and a friend helped get your balloons ready. Before we let them go we sang "Happy Birthday" to you!! It was a real sweet moment. Always nice to share you with family and friends. We ate some ice cream cake in honor of you and T's birthdays. That's always good!! The wish lanterns didn't do as good. There needed to be more wind!! :( I'll post pictures later. I'm posting from my phone and its kind of difficult to post from a phone.

Cylas you are always on my mind. I'm always wondering what I'm missing out on. I hate it when someone tells me to move on or get over it, Excuse me, but he's my son. I carried him in my womb, I felt his first moments, that's a bond that goes unbroken whether he's here or not. I LOVE YOU, CYLAS MYCHAL!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my precious little boy!!!!

Love,
MOMMY

ANGELVARSARY #47

Yesterday was your angelvarsary. I can't believe it's almost 4 years since you've been gone. I love you Cylas!! I miss you more than you know.

Love you Baby boy!!!!

NEW PICTURES

These were taken over the weekend. They turned out great!!!! Enjoy them Cylas, we love you!!!!

THANK YOU!!!

I just wanted to take some time to say "thank you, Cylas!" Baby Curren Rush McCoy made it into the world safe and sound. And I know that you were there helping the little guy out. He was 7 lbs. 13 ozs. I am so relieved that he's here. I can't wait to meet him and give him some love. I'm a proud "Auntie"!!! I'm also relieved that his due date was moved up. I don't think I could have been this excited if he came around Christmas.

Your 4th birthday is 16 days away. Can it really be that your turning 4? Time flies even when it feels like time has stopped. We've got Christmas Pictures coming up this weekend and I wish you could be here for them. I wish you could be here for alot of things. Your big sister is very good about not letting me forget that you are there, just in a different way!!! I'm sure if we'll use Cylas Bear or Stripes for this picture. I think I'll let sister make that decision. She's the one who has to hold him.

Please continue to watch over uncle as he continues to heal from his surgery!!! And as always stay close to your sisters and me. We need that more than you know!!!!

Love you Cylas Mychal with all my heart!!!!!

IN MY THOUGHTS

As time ticks by and gets closer to your 4th birthday, my heart is heavy and sad. Instead of planning a party I'm thinking about what color baloons I'm sending to you this year. And as always your big sister is very instrumental in helping make those decisions. Most of the time we do what she wants to do because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She always wants to send some cards to you and a wish lantern or two!! My heart still aches for you everyday and my grief is still very real. I don't think I'll ever be "normal" again but I am trying.

On a very happy note, I'm going to be an "auntie" and I am trying to be very excited. Well I am excited. My best friend will be induced on Wednesday and little Curren should be making his entrance on Thursday. Today I bought baby boy clothes for the first time since you've been gone. It felt very weird but right at the same time.

Be looking for our birthday celebration to come your way on December 24th. We love you with all our hearts Cylas!!!!