IT'S ALREADY STARTED

I've been feeling it coming on for a while now. But I feel the DREAD and I can feel the SADNESS headed my way. The last couple of years I've managed to keep my head above the water and I've managed to stay pretty positive. But I can feel it coming and it scares me. It always starts in October and doesn't end until well into February. Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Christmas are always the hardest holidays for me. They are all family oriented and I have a broken family or a missing link I guess you could say; YOU!!! I don't know how I've managed to make this far but I have. It just reminds me of the pain that I still feel and the emptiness that still settles into my heart. Everyone around me knows why I am the way that I am and they try to understand where I'm coming from but I know that they will never fully understand what I'm feeling. I just want to go hide under a rock and let these next few months just pass by without incident.

Everytime I hold Cylas Bear in my arms I cry!! He fills my empty arms but holding the bear takes me back to the night I had to hand you over to the Funeral Home. The young man carried in a basket. I dreaded seeing him coming down the hall because I knew it would be the last time I seen you until the services. I had spent my time holding and rocking you, as if to sooth the pain that I felt. When he arrived at the door of the room I knew what I had to do. I wanted to run!! He stood there looking somber, without words. My family was there and someone said "it's time." I slowly stood up and walked towards the man, holding you in my arms. I was taking in every second I had. I was taking in the smell of you (you were just given a bath). When I finally made it I looked at him and I asked him if I could lay you in the basket, and he said yes. So I fixed your blanket. I made sure it was snug and I kissed your forehead and laid you in the basket. I had tears rolling my face. I gave him some tissue and asked him to keep your nose wiped (because it had been running). He said that he would but how do I know he followed through on that promise, really! He slowly turned and walked away. I watched until he turned the corner and I couldn't see him anymore. That night is so fresh, it's a dreaded memory but it's a memory of you and it's one that I don't ever want to forget. I want to hang to my memories forever.

Please stay close to us Cylas! These next few months are gonna be hard.

ANGELVARSARY #45 and REMEMBERANCE DAY

Today was angelvarsary #45 for you Cylas!! And it was also the day to remember all babies gone too soon! Before I lost you I was ignorant to that part of the world around me. I didn't think I could or would lose a child and now my eyes have been open to a world of grief and unconditional love. I have met so many women who know the same grief that I do. They don't ever judge me or tell me that I need to move on or get over it. And that makes it feel so good. I know that your in a better place and I know that I will see you again someday but that doesn't ease the pain that I feel in my heart and it doesn't fill my empty arms. My life will never be the same. I will never view a pregnancy in the same way. I will never believe that a baby is safe after 13 weeks. That reality has been forever changed for me.

So today as I remember you with love I also sit here and remember all the friends that you have up there heaven. I remember Jack, Olive Lucy, Alexandria, Tristan. Chase, Blayze, Cadeau, Conner, Austin, Jay, Pierce, Dylan. Valentina, Little Bee, Reese, Layla, Cora, and there are many others that I can't remember but I hold each of them and their families in my heart. They have become a part of me because I have become friends with their parents. We share this burden together! We carry each other in our hearts. And we support each other through all the ups and downs!!

Cylas you have been remembered by so many people today. I hope you can feel the love that has been sent up to you on angel wings!! You have not been forgotten and that is a great accomplishment on my part. I refuse to let you be forgotten. I refuse to stop being your mommy!! I love you and carry you in my heart, today and tomorrow, and forever until we meet again!!

I LOVE YOU, CYLAS MYCHAL!!!!

THANK YOU MOLLY BEARS!!!!

I received my Cylas Bear yesterday and it was the best surprise I've received in a long time.

THANK YOU MOLLY BEARS!!!!

SHE DIDN'T WIN

Well Cylas you have a very disappointed big sister today. Last night was the last night of sisters pageant and she didn't even place!!! I'm very sad for her. She's trying to be so strong (she hasn't even cried) but I know she's heart broken. I wish that I knew how to take her pain away but I can't. She will get through this. She's a very strong little girl so I know she'll be fine. Please stay extra close to her. She could use some love from hr little brother. I can only hope her spirits can be lifted again.

I don't know if she will try again and if she doesn't she will always be my Cherokee Princess and #1 in my heart.