SELFISHNESS

Boy, has that happened alot since T entered into our lives. First, it was my heart. I was so afraid to open it up to her but then I realized she needed me and that she deserved as much love as I could possibly give her. Then, it was your bottle. I saved one bottle that you used and I had every intention on keeping it put up. But then T came and she only had one bottle that I was having to re-wash. Poor thing she needed it and even though I felt immensely guilty for it, I let her use "your" bottle. And last night, as I was putting her into her crib, your blanket (we call it "Cylas blanket) was in her crib. I've always tried to only use her blankets in her crib. Without thinking, I put your blanket on her, and then broke down into tears. I kept thinking about how I should have been allowed to use it on you. And how unfair it was that she is the one using it. That was a selfish thought and I felt so bad afterward.

T is a part of our life now and I do love her, but with all that love, I am missing you more and more. I keep thinking about how you would have been if you were here. I have a feeling that you might have been as mean as a striped snake. You probably would be torturing your Big Sis. Please tell God to forgive me for my selfishness and let him know that I am THANKFULL for all that I have. I love P, T and You. I am thankful for the time I spent with you. But I am human and I think I am allowed to wonder what might have been.

I hope that T will forgive me for being that way. And I hope you can forgive me. I am learning to love here and far away and it hasn't been easy.