CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA, you are loved and missed daily. I wish that I could say that it has gotten better, but you are always on my mind. I try to focus on other things and it works for a little while but not long. I'm worried that I'm stuck in my grief. I don't want to be stuck. I have tried like hell to make things better for myself. I am trying to focus on your sisters and keep them happy. But I guess I need to know how to keep myself happy. I'm lost on that one though.On Thursday it will be 21 months since we said goodbye to you. A counselor told me that it might be best to only remember one date that pertains to you, but it's so hard. I remember the day you were born and I remember the day you died, how do you block one day out? To me that's like asking me to forget and that's something that I refuse to do. I REFUSE to forget anything about you good or bad.
I was reading at one point and that seemed to fill my mind, but it didn't last. I was reading the TWILIGHT books but it didn't take me long to read all four books and I just can't seem to get into any other books. I have turned into a major Twilight fan and I have proclaimed myself as a TEAM EDWARD member. And even though I can't wait for the New Moon movie to come out, I am still missing you.
How I wish no one had to lose a child! I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone. It seems as though no one understands and they think "gah, get over it!" I don't think I'll ever get over it. I know that time heals all wounds, but the memory still remains. It still hurts. It still breaks my heart all over again to think about the day you died. I am still that broken momma I was a few months back. I am still angry. I still blame myself and I blame my EX for being a total butt head and denying you.
Cylas, I miss you. Your sister misses you. I don't know about the rest of my family, but your sister and I still miss you and we want you back.
Love,
MOM
Sarah we will NEVER get over it, we just have to move forward daily!! Take one day at a time, our boys have been gone for almost 21 months and there's not a moment that goes by that I'm not thinking of my Tristan, so I understand that "stuck" feeling, but naturally I don't think we're "stuck", I think we're mother's who love our children and hate it more than anything that we can't have them here to raise and watch grow.. We were blessed with them for such a short time, and one day we will hold them again. The Lord promises that they will know us as we are, their mother's!!
ReplyDeleteI promise you're not stuck, your just a mother in love with her angel son, and no one nor nothing will ever take that away!! Love ya girl!!
Shannon