Halloween is Coming

As I prepare for Halloween and start looking for your sister's costume she's requested, I can't help but think about what your costume might be like. I see a lion, a bear, a elephant, a monkey, and a pumpkin and I keep thinking, "man, Cylas would be so cute in any of those costumes." Then I fill my eyes tearing up and immediately start working on something else. I know that these next three (Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Christmas (including your 1st birthday)) occasions are going to be hard for me on so many levels. These are all occasions that you should be here for. Last year at this time I was pregnant with you so in a way you were here for them and now your're not. You have been gone for 8 1/2 months and it still seems like all this happened yesterday. Sometimes I don't know how I will ever move past this pain and heartache I feel. You are on my mind every single day and I don't know how to start re-building my life without you.

I've never had so much pain in my life and I never imagined that I would lose a child. I always thought that this kind of stuff happened to other people, and not me. I didn't think I was above other people, but I felt blessed to have my daughter and then I was blessed again with you. I just knew that if I loved you with all my heart and soul then you would be allowed to stay. I knew that if God knew how much I loved you, then he would say "yep, I picked the right mother for this child, and he is loved." But in the end even my love wasn't enough to keep you here. I still lost you!

Halloween will be harder this year, but I know that I can make through, I mean, I have to, for your sister's sake. By the way, she wants to be a mermaid and I am keeping my fingers crossed that she won't change her mind at the last minute. You will never be too far from our minds. Each night your sister tells you good night and that she loves and misses you. I will try my best to keep your memory alive for her. I want her to always think about her baby brother, and she's lucky because she only has good memories, whereas, I have both the good and the bad.

Thinking of you today, carrying you in my heart forever!!

Mommy

(The monkey would have been my pick, hope you like the visual)