CYLAS YOUR GONE

Cylas your gone, and there's nothing I can do about it. Your sister and I miss you so much! Sometimes I wonder how we've made it from January to now. I think about you all the time. I find myself prowling in your diaper bag. I don't know what I am looking for or what I might expect to find. Then I have another bag that has your pictures and other stuff in it. I pull it all out and somtimes I cry and then there are times when I look at all that stuff in amazement. I can't believe that you've come and that you are already gone. I constantly wish for another day, knowing that it will NEVER happen.Just when I think I'm handling everything ok, I find myself lost in my grief. I still blame myself for what happened to you. I blame your so called "dad" for what happened because he denied you. I blame the hospital for not working fast enough to find out what was wrong with you and I blame them for not caring enough to not know they were killing you and then expecting us to believe that you died of natural causes, we're not STUPID!!

I get angry because I had to lose you.I get angry because I had to tell your sister that you weren't coming home. I get angry because I had to break her little heart. I get angry because you couldn't stay. I get angry because parents are not suppose to bury their children, it's suppose to be the other way around. I get angry because I feel so alone. I get angry because I don't know who else to BLAME besides myself. I get angry because I'll never feel you in my arms again. I get angry because I am so stressed out that if you are sending any signs that you are around, I'll never be able to see them because of that stress!

Sometimes I wish that I had one more day to hold you and tell you that I love you over and over again.I wish that I had the words to make your sister feel better when she's crying for you. Sometimes I wish that I was as strong as everyone says that I am. Sometimes I wish that this were all a bad dream and I would wake up and see your beautiful face light up my day. Sometimes I wish that this didn't have to happen.

Missing you,

Mommy