CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA

4 YEAR ANGELVARSARY

2012-01-17T15:49:00.001-05:00

Sunday, January 15, 2012 was your 4 year Angelvarsary. It was easy on my mind but very difficult on my heart. I posted on Facebook when you were taken into the NICU, when I was told that there was nothing more they could do for you, and I posted what time you died. I also spent that time with Curren and it was so much better then sitting at home crying. I dread days like these and it always brings back all those memories that I have good or bad.

It's still very hard to believe that you have been gone for 4 years. It feels like its been an eternity without you . My heart still misses you so very much. I still wish that you didn't have to die and that you could have stayed here and grew up with your sisters. I love you very much and that will never change.

I hope you had a good Angelvarsary in Heaven. I will forever carry you in my heart and soul. I love you Cylas Mychal!!!!!

HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY!!!

2011-12-28T22:15:00.001-05:00

Hey, son, this visit is a little late and I apologize for that. For some reason this birthday has been extremely hard! I can't explain why but it just is. I'm really hard on myself this time around. I haven't had a chance to go put your flower's on your grave and I didn't get a chance to buy you any toys. I know your angelvarsary is coming up next month and all I feel is dread!! I dread January as much as I dread December. I will make my way to see you I promise you that. I can't believe you are 4 years old. Just thinking about missing out on 4 years of your life blows my mind. I feel so robbed!!! Robbed of precious moments and times with you. I miss the hugs and kisses I could be receiving from you and I miss the sibling rivalry that I know would exist between you and your sisters!! I just miss you all together!! You are my baby boy and you mean the world to me!!

I hope you enjoyed your balloons! We sent you 30 of them and I hope you shared with all your angel friends too! Your sisters and a friend helped get your balloons ready. Before we let them go we sang "Happy Birthday" to you!! It was a real sweet moment. Always nice to share you with family and friends. We ate some ice cream cake in honor of you and T's birthdays. That's always good!! The wish lanterns didn't do as good. There needed to be more wind!! :( I'll post pictures later. I'm posting from my phone and its kind of difficult to post from a phone.

Cylas you are always on my mind. I'm always wondering what I'm missing out on. I hate it when someone tells me to move on or get over it, Excuse me, but he's my son. I carried him in my womb, I felt his first moments, that's a bond that goes unbroken whether he's here or not. I LOVE YOU, CYLAS MYCHAL!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my precious little boy!!!!

Love,
MOMMY

ANGELVARSARY #47

2011-12-16T10:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was your angelvarsary. I can't believe it's almost 4 years since you've been gone. I love you Cylas!! I miss you more than you know.

Love you Baby boy!!!!

NEW PICTURES

2011-12-12T10:32:00.000-05:00

These were taken over the weekend. They turned out great!!!! Enjoy them Cylas, we love you!!!!

THANK YOU!!!

2011-12-08T11:29:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to take some time to say "thank you, Cylas!" Baby Curren Rush McCoy made it into the world safe and sound. And I know that you were there helping the little guy out. He was 7 lbs. 13 ozs. I am so relieved that he's here. I can't wait to meet him and give him some love. I'm a proud "Auntie"!!! I'm also relieved that his due date was moved up. I don't think I could have been this excited if he came around Christmas.

Your 4th birthday is 16 days away. Can it really be that your turning 4? Time flies even when it feels like time has stopped. We've got Christmas Pictures coming up this weekend and I wish you could be here for them. I wish you could be here for alot of things. Your big sister is very good about not letting me forget that you are there, just in a different way!!! I'm sure if we'll use Cylas Bear or Stripes for this picture. I think I'll let sister make that decision. She's the one who has to hold him.

Please continue to watch over uncle as he continues to heal from his surgery!!! And as always stay close to your sisters and me. We need that more than you know!!!!

Love you Cylas Mychal with all my heart!!!!!

IN MY THOUGHTS

2011-12-03T21:15:00.000-05:00

As time ticks by and gets closer to your 4th birthday, my heart is heavy and sad. Instead of planning a party I'm thinking about what color baloons I'm sending to you this year. And as always your big sister is very instrumental in helping make those decisions. Most of the time we do what she wants to do because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She always wants to send some cards to you and a wish lantern or two!! My heart still aches for you everyday and my grief is still very real. I don't think I'll ever be "normal" again but I am trying.

On a very happy note, I'm going to be an "auntie" and I am trying to be very excited. Well I am excited. My best friend will be induced on Wednesday and little Curren should be making his entrance on Thursday. Today I bought baby boy clothes for the first time since you've been gone. It felt very weird but right at the same time.

Be looking for our birthday celebration to come your way on December 24th. We love you with all our hearts Cylas!!!!

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS

2011-11-04T13:44:00.000-04:00

Cylas, your "dad" is actually trying to be nice and he wants to work on our "friend" relationship. I've been so bitter and angry at him for so long its a change to actually be friendly with him. I'm moving forward very cautiously in this endeavor but I want your sister to be happy too!! She always seems to be happiest when her dad and I are communicating. He's got ANOTHER new girlfriend and swears he's done with wife #2 but he's said that before, so I guess we'll have to wait and see. I just don't know if I'm willing to be open with him again. I like not having to share certain things with him.

He keeps telling me that he's happy for me because I have J in my life but it makes me wonder what he's got up his sleeves. I may even be crazy to open up to him again. I've kept him out for so long and I kind of want to keep it that way. I guess we'll just have to see where this leads us.

On another note, I love and miss you little man, always!!!!!

IT'S ALREADY STARTED

2011-10-20T15:45:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling it coming on for a while now. But I feel the DREAD and I can feel the SADNESS headed my way. The last couple of years I've managed to keep my head above the water and I've managed to stay pretty positive. But I can feel it coming and it scares me. It always starts in October and doesn't end until well into February. Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Christmas are always the hardest holidays for me. They are all family oriented and I have a broken family or a missing link I guess you could say; YOU!!! I don't know how I've managed to make this far but I have. It just reminds me of the pain that I still feel and the emptiness that still settles into my heart. Everyone around me knows why I am the way that I am and they try to understand where I'm coming from but I know that they will never fully understand what I'm feeling. I just want to go hide under a rock and let these next few months just pass by without incident.

Everytime I hold Cylas Bear in my arms I cry!! He fills my empty arms but holding the bear takes me back to the night I had to hand you over to the Funeral Home. The young man carried in a basket. I dreaded seeing him coming down the hall because I knew it would be the last time I seen you until the services. I had spent my time holding and rocking you, as if to sooth the pain that I felt. When he arrived at the door of the room I knew what I had to do. I wanted to run!! He stood there looking somber, without words. My family was there and someone said "it's time." I slowly stood up and walked towards the man, holding you in my arms. I was taking in every second I had. I was taking in the smell of you (you were just given a bath). When I finally made it I looked at him and I asked him if I could lay you in the basket, and he said yes. So I fixed your blanket. I made sure it was snug and I kissed your forehead and laid you in the basket. I had tears rolling my face. I gave him some tissue and asked him to keep your nose wiped (because it had been running). He said that he would but how do I know he followed through on that promise, really! He slowly turned and walked away. I watched until he turned the corner and I couldn't see him anymore. That night is so fresh, it's a dreaded memory but it's a memory of you and it's one that I don't ever want to forget. I want to hang to my memories forever.

Please stay close to us Cylas! These next few months are gonna be hard.

ANGELVARSARY #45 and REMEMBERANCE DAY

2011-10-15T23:57:00.001-04:00

Today was angelvarsary #45 for you Cylas!! And it was also the day to remember all babies gone too soon! Before I lost you I was ignorant to that part of the world around me. I didn't think I could or would lose a child and now my eyes have been open to a world of grief and unconditional love. I have met so many women who know the same grief that I do. They don't ever judge me or tell me that I need to move on or get over it. And that makes it feel so good. I know that your in a better place and I know that I will see you again someday but that doesn't ease the pain that I feel in my heart and it doesn't fill my empty arms. My life will never be the same. I will never view a pregnancy in the same way. I will never believe that a baby is safe after 13 weeks. That reality has been forever changed for me.

So today as I remember you with love I also sit here and remember all the friends that you have up there heaven. I remember Jack, Olive Lucy, Alexandria, Tristan. Chase, Blayze, Cadeau, Conner, Austin, Jay, Pierce, Dylan. Valentina, Little Bee, Reese, Layla, Cora, and there are many others that I can't remember but I hold each of them and their families in my heart. They have become a part of me because I have become friends with their parents. We share this burden together! We carry each other in our hearts. And we support each other through all the ups and downs!!

Cylas you have been remembered by so many people today. I hope you can feel the love that has been sent up to you on angel wings!! You have not been forgotten and that is a great accomplishment on my part. I refuse to let you be forgotten. I refuse to stop being your mommy!! I love you and carry you in my heart, today and tomorrow, and forever until we meet again!!

I LOVE YOU, CYLAS MYCHAL!!!!

THANK YOU MOLLY BEARS!!!!

2011-10-13T10:05:00.000-04:00

I received my Cylas Bear yesterday and it was the best surprise I've received in a long time.

THANK YOU MOLLY BEARS!!!!

SHE DIDN'T WIN

2011-10-06T13:16:00.000-04:00

Well Cylas you have a very disappointed big sister today. Last night was the last night of sisters pageant and she didn't even place!!! I'm very sad for her. She's trying to be so strong (she hasn't even cried) but I know she's heart broken. I wish that I knew how to take her pain away but I can't. She will get through this. She's a very strong little girl so I know she'll be fine. Please stay extra close to her. She could use some love from hr little brother. I can only hope her spirits can be lifted again.

I don't know if she will try again and if she doesn't she will always be my Cherokee Princess and #1 in my heart.

CONTESTANT #5

2011-09-30T16:08:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to share more pictures with you. Your sister is running for Little Miss Cherokee again this year and these are the photos that were taken at the Banquet on Tuesday, September 26th. I think she's ready!!! Her pageant will be held on Tuesday, October 4 & Wednesday, October 5th. Please be with her and watch over her as she embarks on this endeavor. Let her know that baby brother is there, Ok!!!! I wish you could be here for all the festivities!! Next week is going to be fun and tiring!!!!

Love you Cylas Man!!!!

45 Months Old

2011-09-26T08:51:00.002-04:00

On Saturday your turned 45 months old!!! It's hard to believe but it has happened. You are loved and missed everyday!!!

ANGELVARSARY #44

2011-09-14T15:05:00.001-04:00

From January 15, 2008 to Now (September 15, 2011) you have been gone for 44 months. There are times I can barely wrap my mind and heart around that. It still feels like everything just happened yesterday. It's hard to believe that heaven has actually held you longer than I ever did (and I did that alot while you were here.) There was always a part me telling myself that I better enjoy you while I can but I didn't understand that feeling until the day you died and I could only hold you for a little while before I had to hand you over to the Funeral Home staff that came to pick you up. Letting you go knowing that would be the last time I ever held you was heartbreaking.

I'm having sleepless nights again. I wish I could explain why. Yesterday we were out riding around and P looked up in the sky and saw a cloud shaped like a heart! She said "look mom, that cloud looks like a heart!! Do you think it's Cylas telling us he loves us?" And I said, "it could be." She's been missing you and talking about you too!! And Boss will look at your picture and say "brother's in heaven." Over time its gotten easier but there are still times I cry and cry.

You are still very much a part of our lives. We miss you. We love you. We all wish that you could have stayed.

FOR YOU

2011-08-30T13:03:00.000-04:00

Sorry it turned out so small. But I wanted to share this picture with you. This picture was taken yesterday at practice for the Little Miss Cherokee Pageant. I think it turned out really good. Your big sister has always been very photogenic. She's getting so big. I love her, you, and Boss very much. You guys are my life.

44 MONTHS OLD

2011-08-24T11:22:00.000-04:00

Today you are 44 months old!!!

Thinking about you today with much love!!!!

RANDOMNESS

2011-08-22T11:02:00.000-04:00

Last night my mind was filled with thoughts of you little man. I wasn't sad or feeling down, you were just there. And often times thats how it goes. I've been having some great days. I'm dealing with alot but its not anything that I can't handle. Your big sister is a 2nd grader, Boss is still out of school and her arm is out of the cast, and I'm a busy momma to two beautiful little girls, but I want to be a busy momma to 3 kids that includes a handsome son!!! J and I are going through some growing pains. He's started school and goes at night 4 times a week (sometimes 5). His job has him working out of town this week so I'm not seeing a whole lot of him right now. We've been together for 15 months and it's been great. We don't ever fight, I might try and pout on him but he doesn't let it get to him. He let's me do what I got to do and then he'll ask "are you finished?" I can be in awfulliest mood ever and it all goes away when he comes around or when I hear from him. He has a calming effect over me which is something that I probably need. I love him and would love to spend more time with him. I would even go as far as saying marrying him but then I know that it wouldn't be for the right reasons. But I am ready and missing the wifey thing I just don't know if and when it will happen. I don't want a big wedding. I want to pack up the girls and go away for a weekend and come back a Mrs.!!!! But I think he's still trying to find himself and make his way professionally. If it's meant for us to be together forever it will happen............or it won't.

I suppose I'm happy being his baby!! It took so long for me to open to up to him. The Ex did a number on me and I'm moving forward cautiously. I think its a good idea to go slow and let him do what he feels he has to do. I want to support him and be there for him because I know its what he needs. Just help me make it through these next few months. J knows about you, he knows about everything......the good and the bad. I haven't taken him to your grave, its not time. But he does know about you. He knows that you were not wanted by your so called "dad" and he knows that it hasn't been easy for me. I've picked up the peices of my life. The kinks need to be worked out but I know that one day they will be. I want happily ever after but can that happen? You have a peice of my heart that can never be filled again here on earth. I might get my knight in shining armor but there's no guarantee it will be forever, forever is just a word and it terrifies me. I thought I had my forever once before and it all ended it a moment. I'm treading lightly.

Your uncle sent me a text last night letting me know that he finally set your headstone from your grandpa Alvin. So in all you have 3 headstones. One that was FREE from the so called "dad", the one that I bought, and now the one from Alvin. All that means to me is that you are a special little boy who was loved by a grandpa who didn't have to be. He was not a part of your "dad's" life or Priss' life (which I regret everyday) but when it mattered the most he was there for you. I'll have to make my way up there and see it. I still haven't placed the new flowers or new solar lights so I definitely have to go see you SOON!!! You are my special little boy and I love you with all my heart. I miss you more than anything. On Wednesday, August 24th you will 44 months old. I have two friends having little boys (in October & December). I don't know how to act. I want to be happy for them but yet I'm jealous and angry because they are getting their boys and I don't have mine anymore. The October baby shouldn't be too hard but the December due date is gonna kill me because it's right around your birthday. Christmas already sucks and now I don't know how it's going to be. I want my friends to have healthy little boys but I also want a little boy. I want you!!!! I'll just have to put on my big panties, hold my head up high, and grin and bear it!!!

Sorry to come on here and dump all this stuff on you. I love you Cylas Mychal!!!!! God Speed!!!!
Mommy

ANGELVARSARY # 43

2011-08-15T09:17:00.000-04:00

Can it already be 43 months? I guess so. It doesn't seem like it sometimes but time passes so fast. There are many times I wish I was able to turn back time or even stop it but I know I can't. 4 years is coming fast!!! I miss you little guy and I love you!!!!

LOTS GOING ON

2011-08-12T09:11:00.000-04:00

Hey Cylas!!

I hope you are doing good in heaven. I miss you and love you very much. It has been a very busy week. Your older Sister started school this week and she's a big ole 2nd grader!!! I can't believe how fast she's growing up. There are days I wish she was a little baby again. She's running in the Little Miss Cherokee Pageant again this year and it's very hard to prep for that. She'll have practice every Monday until October 4 and then the pageant will take place. There are alot of thing to get together so I will be very busy from here on out. And then Little Sister will get her pins and cast taken off her arm on Tuesday. I am relieved the cast is coming off but I am very worried about the aftermath. She already hates going to the doctor I can't imagine how the physcial therapy will be for her. Please keep an eye on her and help her make it through all this. Once the cast is removed she should be able to go back to school. Which will be a good thing because she is wearing your Nana out!!!

I am ready for the weekend, I just wish there was an extra day!!! On Monday you will have an Angelvarsary. I used to dread those days but now if I miss one I feel so guilty. You deserve to be celebrated!!!

Love,
Mommy

WEIGHT LOSS

2011-08-03T10:32:00.000-04:00

I have been trying to lose weight since I lost you and I've been doing pretty good. I've lost about 40 lbs but I've kind of plateaued. I've been the same weight now for about two months. No changes and no gaining. I guess that's good but I'd much rather be losing the pounds.I am in the process of getting a treadmill, it's just too hot to be outside walking and I feel like I would do better in my house.And I've also found a workout that I actually like doing: ZUMBA!!! Who would have thought that it would be something that I actually like. I've been using the Wii but yesterday I purchased some Zumba DVD's and I can't wait until they come in. I want to be here to watch your sisters grow up.

I'm going to continue working on losing weight. I do feel so much better since I've lost what I lost. I can really feel the difference and it makes me feel so good. I want to be someone you can be proud of. I love you Cylas and think about you every day!!! You are my sweet boy!!!!

Love,
Mommy

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

2011-07-29T09:54:00.000-04:00

Hey Little Guy!!

Momma is having a rough week. I've had more than my share of sleepless nights. And last night was no different. I don't think I fell asleep until 3 last night and now I am feeling it. I don't know why I am not able to sleep. And then even with being so tired I still can't sleep the next night.

I have so much on my mind so I guess that's what I can blame for me not being able to sleep. So if you could, please send the sand man my way tonight!!

Love you Cylas!!!

43 MONTHS OLD

2011-07-25T11:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday you turned 43 months old. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that number!!! I dreaded the single digits and now its double digits and its just unbelieveable!! This is my "normal". I was told early on that I needed to forget one or the other meaning I should either remember the day you were born or remember the day you died. How do you do that? How is that even right? I don't want to forget anything when it comes to you, Cylas!! Whether its a good or bad memory I want to remember it!!! Those memories make you real, they give meaning to my pain, and they allow me the oppurtunity to talk my precious little boy who had the pudgy face and dark eyes. It still hurts at times to talk about you and I find myself telling people that I still wish you were here and that you would come back.

The song "If heaven wasn't so far away" fits into my life so well. I do wish that heaven was just right outside my door so I could see you and hold you again. I wish it was close so you could still have playdates with your sisters. They both talk about you and they love to see your pictures. I continue to miss you more and more and I send my love to you each and every night. But that doesn't take the place of the hole I have in my heart. And it doesn't replace the hugs and kisses that I could be giving you. You are not in my arms and it's where you should be, its where I want you to be!!!! I have some new flowers and new solar lights for your grave just haven't had time to go put them up there. It's not that I don't want to; I just don't like feeling so empty and sad when I leave.

Happy 43 months in heaven Baby Boy!!! Momma loves you more than anyone could ever know or understand. And I long to hear your little voice say "loves you, mommy!!"

Mommy

ANGELVARSARY #42

2011-07-18T11:01:00.000-04:00

On Friday, July 15th it was 42 months since I last held my handsome little man!!! The time has passed but the pain still remains so real. I've had so much going on the last few weeks it's not even funny!! Boss is hurt and has had to have surgery. Iwodi is a busy little bee and her summer break is winding down and she's had very little break since she's in summer camp. I've been placed in the middle of a family argument and I am trying to keep the peace; to no avail!!! Cylas your family is crazy right now!! Please watch over all of us and keep us safe. Help the little family argument go away so our family can get back together again.

Your uncle finally picked up your headstone from your grandpa's widow. It's taken about 3 years to get it. I haven't even seen it but I am just happy your grandpa thought about you before he passed. You are going to be a special little boy because you have two headstones. They were both purchased by the people who love you the most!!!

I love and miss you very much!!! Please stay close to us!!!

LOVE,
MOM

UPDATED BLOG AND UPDATED POST

2011-06-08T13:00:00.001-04:00

Its been a while since I last updated this blog. So I gave it a make over, I hope you like it. Also since I last posted things have gotten back to normal, well as normal as it's ever going to get. J and I were able to talk about some things and we are back together. We need to communicate a little bit better and I think everything will be alright. He's getting ready to go back to school in the Fall and he's worried about how our relationship will fair during this time. I am willing to stand beside him no matter what. I will support him no matter what he decides to do. He did the same thing for me when I started taking the CNA class and I want to offer him the same thing. So for now we are doing good.

Your sisters got some pictures made over the weekend and they turned out pretty good. I will post some pictures a little later. Maybe after I type this up. They are doing good. Iwodi started day camp this week and Boss is getting ready to get moved to another Day care and I hope she adjusts to a new place. Watch over both of them!!! (New pictures are included!!)

I had a hard time a few nights ago. I was thinking about the day you were born and all the feelings just came rushing back. I miss you so much!! I really wish you were here with us. I know that we would have had so much fun. I would love to have a little bit of boy stuff mixed in with all the girl stuff that goes on. I would love to see you wrestling with Iwodi and Boss. I love you baby boy!!!

Mommy

TOUGH WEEK (ALREADY!!)

2011-05-11T12:16:00.000-04:00

It just Wednesday and I already feel like I've been to hell and back!!! Mother's day was rough. I was missing you and I wanted to feel your little arms wrap around my legs and hear you say "I love you, mommy!" I think that will be something I will always miss. I will always long to hold you in my arms. The hurt will always still be so fresh in my memory. I love you Cylas and I hope that you know that.

On Monday night my world fell apart again..............J and I are no longer together. And it seems like he's totally shutting me out!! He said that he needed some time to himself and I didn't fight him on it but now I'm wishing I did. He's battled depression in the past and I want to be there for him. I may not know all the details but I know that it can't be good to shut everybody out!!! I've been trying to find some peace and maybe even wrap my head around this whole thing. But right now I just want to disappear and hide. Every song and everything in my house reminds me of him because he helped me move in and put stuff together. I want to be there for him and I've tried to reach out but I haven't gotten a response. Today his truck wasn't in it's normal spot so of course I'm worried about him. I want to know if he's alright. All I can do is pray for him and continue to let him know that I will be here for him. He told me that he loves me more than anything and I want to hang on to that but I just don't know how long I can do it. I've already been hurt once before and it was really hard to open my heart to him but I did. I'm totally lost and I don't know when I'll be ok. Right now I just cry at any given moment. I miss him!!! Please tell God to help him!!

I hate to come on your blog and put all of this out there but I don't like to talk so I write. Cylas losing you was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I know that the pain will pass but I want to put a rush on it so I can get back to normal, whatever that means!! There is nothing normal about my life anymore. But I want to be that strong woman again not this cry baby I've become. Watch over J. I know that you don't know him but he knows about you. And as always continue to be with us too!!

Love you very much, Mr. Cylas Man!!!!
Mommy

MOTHER'S DAY 2011

2011-05-09T09:11:00.000-04:00

I woke up to two beautiful girls just waiting to tell me "Happy Mother's Day!! I love or I loves you!!" and it was so wonderful to hear. But as the day passed by it became very clear to me that another little voice was missing from this special day. I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my cheeks because I knew that there was a little man missing from my life. I will never hear him say "mommy I love you!" and it cuts like a knife!!

I was blessed to have him in my life for 3 weeks and I tried my best to be the BEST mom he could have ever had. He's been in heaven for 3 years but the pain and heartache is still very true and real. I am a broken mother who continues to heal daily. I love all 3 of my beautiful babies!!! I am very happy and blessed to be their mommy!!!

Cylas you are forever in my heart!!!!

39 MONTHS AND A SONG

2011-04-15T08:43:00.000-04:00

Wow it's been 39 months since I've held you in my arms and kissed your forehead. It's so hard to believe that so much time has passed. I've recently heard a song called "If Heaven Wasn't so Far Away" and it talks about what the singer would do if there was a way to go to heaven. When I first heard the song I cried. My mind was consumed of thoughts of you and how badly I want to see you again. It would be so hard to come back, come back to a place you are not. But it would be so nice to sit and talk about your days in heaven and to see you play with your sisters. That's all I really want is for us to be together again. You are the missing piece in my little family and I want you to be here for all the special events and birthdays.

Cylas I miss you more and more everyday!!! I love you!!!!
Mommy

JUST ONE MORE DAY.............

2011-03-30T10:38:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness!! Tomorrow your big sister will be 7!!! I can't believe it!! She has gotten so tall over the last few months. In the pictures above one is current and the other is when she was 3 months old. You and her looked so much alike. You both had those chubby cheeks that I loved so much!!!

Please be close to your sister today and tomorrow. She needs to feel you close to her. Send her tons of love and angel hugs.

39 MONTHS

2011-03-25T09:14:00.000-04:00

Yesterday you turned 39 months old. In reality you would be a little man but in my heart you are still that precious little boy with those chubby cheeks. And I think if you were still here I would have changed your indian name to Ki-yu-ga which means chipmunk instead of Ta-la-du. Don't ask me why though.

Your big sister is getting ready to turn 7 in a little over a week and I can't believe how time flies!

We love and miss you Cylas!!! We carry you forever in our hearts!!!

Love,
Mommy

38 MONTHS & ST. PATRICK'S DAY

2011-03-17T13:36:00.000-04:00

SORRY I DIDN'T POST ANYTHING ON TUESDAY. BUT I HOPE THAT YOU KNOW YOU ARE NEVER TOO FAR FROM HEART AND SOUL. YOU ARE A PART OF ME AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE. MY MIND HAS BEEN SCATTERED THIS WEEK. I MEAN I EVEN THOUGHT MONDAY WAS ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S CAUSING IT BUT THAT'S HOW MY WEEK'S BEEN.

I WANTED TO SAY HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!!!! I HOPE YOU ARE DOING OK. YOU ARE LOVED AND MISSED BY ME AND YOUR SISTER'S. MISS PRISS CRIED FOR YOU THE OTHER DAY. SHE WAS FEELING BAD ABOUT YOU NOT BEING HERE FOR THE PICTURES WE GOT TAKEN ON SUNDAY. WE TOOK A SPECIAL PICTURE WITH THE GRAND BABIES AND SHE REALLY WANTED YOU HERE FOR THOSE. BUT YOU LEFT A GREAT REPLACEMENT! STRIPES IS VERY PHOTO GENETIC!!!! WE ALL MISS YOU NOT BEING HERE FOR CERTAIN THINGS. ITS JUST SO HARD KNOWING THAT WE WILL SEE YOU CHANGE OVER THE YEARS. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL OR WATCH YOU LEAVE FOR COLLEGE.

WE ARE MAKING IT. WE DO REALLY GOOD BUT WE ALL HAVE OUR MOMENTS. I WILL POST THE PICTURES AS SOON AS I GET THE CD. I WAS SUPPOSE TO PUT THE CHRISTMAS PICTURES ON HERE BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID WITH THE CD. HOPEFULLY IT WILL TURN UP AND THEN I CAN POST THEM.

CYLAS MOMMY LOVES YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!

A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHIN'

2011-03-10T15:01:00.000-05:00

Hello Cylas,

Momma has apparently gotten lazy!! There is really no excuse except that I've been so very tired!!!! Since I've started taking CNA classes in January I've been dragging and having a hard time getting up in the morning time. So I have no motivation to do anything but sleep!! But I've got to keep thinking that I only have 8 more weeks of class left and I'll be done. I don't like having class so late at night because I miss time with your sisters but I also know that they are both well taken care of.

I'm getting ready to go to a new dentist and I'm a little nervous about that because Momma doesn't like going to the dentist. And it looks like 3 of my wisdom teeth need to come out and the last one could be saved but the tooth in front of it needs to be taken out. I am so not lookin' forward to that. But the dentist that I'm going to is a dentist that uses sedation and that is what I need because I get so nervous and scared. I go for a consultation this coming Tuesday in Asheville @ 2:40. Please stay close to your momma ok!!!

Other than the stuff I've mentioned there is not a whole lot going on. Your sisters are doing good. They are getting big and turning into some wonderful characters. They both talk about you from time to time. Last night Boss said that you were in heaven!! So she knows, not quite sure she understands just yet but at least she knows. I will be getting their pictures taken on Sunday and I can't wait. We will take Stripes to represent you. I also want to get a good "grand children" picture taken for your Nan and Pop. I want that one to be a surprise. I hope I can pull it off.

You are our angel and we carry you with us everywhere we go!!! Cylas we love you very much!!!

MOM

38 MONTHS OLD

2011-02-24T08:56:00.000-05:00

My Little Man would have been 38 months old today!! Can you imagine how much fun he would have been at this age? I sure can!! I know what I'm missing out on!! (♥CYLAS, mommy loves and misses you so very much!!♥) I'm sending you my love on angel wings!!!!!!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY & 37 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

2011-02-14T09:10:00.001-05:00

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to a handsome little man with the gorgeous eyes and chubby cheeks!!! Mommy loves and misses you very much!!! Tomorrow will be 37 months since I've said goodbye to you and it never gets easier but I keep moving forward knowing that I'll get to see you again one day!! I am sending you my love (not just today but everyday) and I hope you feel it up there while your sitting on the clouds!!!!

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH CYLAS MYCHAL!!!!!!
MOMMY

IT'S YOUR 3RD ANGELVARSARY

2011-01-16T19:21:00.001-05:00

As I try and think about the 3 years that have passed its so hard to believe its been that long since I've held you in my arms! I pulled out your diaper bag and looked at all the clothes I saved. I miss you so much and still want you back! I wonder what you would be like. I long to hear your laughter and to hear you say "I love you, mom!" I know that you would have been a good little boy, full of fun and laughter! I want my little boy here with me so bad!

I didn't get a chance to go visit your grave because of the weather but as soon as it clears up and gets pretty I'll go straight up there!!

I miss you and love you very much, Cylas!!

Mommy

UGH!!

2011-01-11T17:53:00.001-05:00

I am so ready for spring time Cylas. Your sisters and I have been at Nan and Pop's for the last week because of the Stinkin' Snow!! We can't make it to our house because we about 10 to 12" of snow again! I never thought I would ever be so eager to be home! But I'm missing the comfort of my home, my bed, and my satellite TV!

I want to get you some new flowers for your Angelvarsary but with all this snow I don't know if I can make it to your grave. I can't believe its gonna be 3 years since I lost you! Time has gone by so fast but yet it seems like a lifetime without you in it. I miss you more and more with each day that passes and I often wonder if it will ever get better for me. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart!!

Cylas please stay close as we deal with this winter weather! I hate it but its something that I have to deal with. I love you son!!

MOMMY

ANOTHER NEW YEAR AND YET ANOTHER JANUARY

2011-01-03T13:02:00.000-05:00

SISTER GETTING READY TO RELEASE THE BALLOONS!

As much as I hated to see it coming January is here! I dread January's! I had a sleepless night last night and I'm thinking this might happen all month long. I have lost many loved ones in the month of January and there's a part of me that always expects to lose someone else. I don't think I have to mention everyone but you know who they are.

I will work on getting your birthday slide show up and running this week. First, I need to catch up on my work. I took two weeks off and I enjoyed that time off but I was annoyed by the snow most of the time. I need to purchase a four wheeler with a scraper on the front of it. Looks like I'm going to need one.

Always thinking about you and always loving you forever and always!!!!
Mommy

HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY, SON

2010-12-24T14:50:00.001-05:00

Wishing you a very happy birthday in heaven!! You are loved and missed everyday! I still think about what might have been and I still see you in every little boy that passes by!

I LOVE YOU BABY BOY!!! I hope you enjoyed your balloons!!

35 MONTHS & A BIRTHDAY

2010-12-15T08:40:00.000-05:00

Cylas you have been gone for 35 months. And I still miss you so very much. December is the hardest month for me and January isn't much better! Just know that I love and miss you everyday!! I will carry you in my heart forever and always!!

Please be close to your Nana today, it's her Birthday!! She loves and misses you too!!!

Love,
Mommy

BAH-HUM-BUG

2010-12-11T17:25:00.001-05:00

Your birthday is only a couple weeks away and right now its more like the calm before the storm!! I'm trying to find ways to stay busy and occupied and it works for a little while and then I'm back to square one. I haven't even had time to really buy anything for your grave and that stresses me out a lot. The lanterns I ordered have come in but I still need to buy flowers, toys, and balloons! Oh and I need to get a cake. I hate having to stay so occupied!

I've had to go shopping for two different programs and I have announced to everyone that I don't do Christmas and I don't wrap! Some people understand and then some look at me like I'm crazy!! I'm in a Bah-hum-bug kind of mood! I really miss you and every little boy I see reminds me of what might have been!! It just kills my heart. I'm doing the best I can to make it through the holidays without losing it!

AND I have to plan something for Teela's 2nd birthday too!! And I don't want to! Cylas you missed and loved everyday! I think I might be keeping myself sick and I really need to find a way to handle my grief and stress! There are times I don't cry when I need to and then there are times I don't relax when I know I should! All I know is that I want to be here for your sisters! Cylas please help me figure out what I need to do! Please stay close to everyone, epecially your sisters!!

Trying to stay strong,
MOMMY

DECEMBER 1, 2010

2010-12-01T12:43:00.000-05:00

Today is December 1st!! Around here everyone is running around like crazy people. We received our per capita today so everyone on the REZ will be RICH for a little while! Me, I'm not crazy most of mine will go to the house. I pay the house payment up for 6 months, it's just one less thing to worry about. And of course, I have to buy a few Christmas gifts (gift cards) for my loved ones. I have no idea what I am going to get your sisters for Christmas. I've told them that they won't get anything from me because I want to buy them a swing set for our new house and I want to save money for that. But I might still surprise them and get them something small. But the swing set will definitely be a good gift they just won't get it until it warms up around here.

I have ordered some lanterns that we will be sent off on your Birthday. I am always looking for something new to honor you and the lanterns are it!! They were featured in the movie Tangled and I absolutely fell in love with them. I also need to get you some new flowers and toys for your grave. I'll have to look for that stuff this weekend. I am dreading what's coming. I am dreading Christmas but that is nothing new. I would much rather disappear then actually sit here and wait for it to get here. Your 3rd birthday is 23 days away and Teela's 2nd birthday is 22 days away. I don't want to punish Teela and not celebrate her but I'm just not in the mood. Does that sound crazy or wrong?

I don't know I guess I'll figure it out. Thinking about you Little Man!!!

Mommy loves you very much!!!!!!!

35 MONTHS OLD TODAY

2010-11-24T10:36:00.000-05:00

I didn't want to forget to post something today. Cylas today you are one month closer to turning 3 and it's so hard to believe!!! You may have only been in my life for a short time but you have forever left a huge void in my life. I am trying to be happy and positive and enjoy the upcoming holidays but I find it so hard. This month has been a roller coaster of emotions. I've had days where I felt like I could crawl under a rock and hide for the next month or so and then there are days when everything is alright and I feel like I can make it. I let your sister pick out some things for your grave last week and I hope to make it to see you soon.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I hate to say it but it's hard to be thankful when what you wish for the most is no longer here. I would give anything to get you back. I would love to be chasing around three little monkeys!! Being a mom has been the best thing to happen to me. I love being a mom and I have been blessed with three little lives. You were only 3 weeks old when you died but I did my very best to make sure you knew you were loved and wanted. I regret everyday that I wasn't able to keep you from getting sick. Deep down I still blame myself but it's not as much as I used to. I have learned that I can't be superMOM and that babies get sick, but it's still so hard to believe that your gone.

Everyone around me is talking about decorating and buying Christmas gifts and I make a face and stick my tongue out. I am so not in the mood to do any of that. I know that I have your sisters to decorate for but Prairie has gotten use to seeing her mom unenthused by all the drama of Christmas. Teela is just now starting to notice whats going on. And I must admit she's cute when she gets excited over seeing lit up trees and all the Christmas inflatables that people have in their yards. So I know that she gets to see that stuff I don't necessarily have to run out and buy it. She says Can Cause for Santa Claus and Christmas Mees for Christmas Trees!!

But to sum it all up: I MISS YOU. I WANT YOU HERE TO BE A PART OF ALL THE FUN. I WANT MY LITTLE MAN BACK. I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE LIGHT UP AND I WANT TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON WITH ALL THREE OF MY BABIES NOT JUST TWO!!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WILL PLAY OUT THIS YEAR. IT SEEMS LIKE EACH YEAR I FEEL DIFFERENT ABOUT THE SITUATION.

Prairie and I have decided that we will send you a ton of ballons for your birthday, we'll buy you some new flowers & toys for your grave, and even have a birthday cake on your birthday. I want to do this and I want to make sure you know that we still love you and think about you often. I still need to find a special ornament for you this year. I just haven't had a chance to look. I have alot to get done. I just don't feel like doing it.

HAPPY 35 MONTHS IN HEAVEN CYLAS MYCHAL!!! YOU ARE LOVED AND MISSED EVERYDAY!!!!

MOMMY

34 MONTHS

2010-11-15T08:54:00.000-05:00

My sweet little Cylas, you have been gone for 34 months today. I would like to say that it has gotten easier but it has not. Yesterday your sister asked me to read "Dancing on the Moon" and I broke down as I was reading it. It is still so hard for me to make it through that book. But she loves it because it reminds her that you never far away and that you are always in her heart.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you today and always will! I love you baby boy!!!

Mom

YOUR BRICK

2010-11-09T15:24:00.000-05:00

Cylas I purchased a brick that is on display now at your sister's school. I just wanted to show you what it looks like.

SOME THOUGHTS

2010-11-08T11:31:00.000-05:00

Cylas you have been weighing heavy on my mind. With all of these "family" holidays coming up how can I not!! As I live my life here on earth and I have your sisters here with me I smile but it's a smile that I have to force. I can't ever smile and know that's it's for REAL! Last night I was thinking about your funeral and how robotic my movements and emotions seemed to be. I was so frozen and only moved when I was told to move. I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't frozen. I often thought about asking people to clear the church and leave me alone with you, just you and me, without everyone's eye's watching me like a hawk! I think that if I had that chance I would have taken you and ran for it. We would have hidden somewhere and I would have held you in my arms as long as I wanted, with no interuptions, no time limit. I mean I would have relinguished my hold on you but I just feel like I didn't have enough time. I would have done everything in my power to press the pause button and just spend time with you. I wasn't ready to let you go and I wasn't ready to watch them throw dirt on you. I wasn't ready to leave you alone in the cold and darkness of death! I wanted my little baby back. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I was hoping someone would pinch me and everything would have been just been one big, bad dream! But we're closing in on 3 years and I'm still living in this nightmare. I'm still reading about other parents who have lost their children. Will this ever end? How much pain must be endured before it stops?

Cylas mommy is missing you! I have a big huge hole in my heart that should be filled with your love and it's not. Please watch over me and your sisters. The holidays never get any easier but I keep moving forward and I keep looking ahead.

I love you Cylas very much!!!!!

EMOTIONAL

2010-10-29T14:29:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Teela and I took off to Walmart for some last minute Halloween costume shopping! It was just the two of us. She slept all the way up there so it was just me left with my thoughts, YIKES!! My thoughts are always so scattered. I almost always think about you and think about what might have been. I would glance at Teela periodiaclly and each time I did, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I was thinking about how, soon, it would be Christmas time, and thinking about how much I dread that time of the year. I will have two birthday's to celebrate; Teela turns 2 December 23rd and you will be 3 on December 24th! Last year her birthday was a last minute decision and it was about a week late! And for your birthday we did balloons (a ton of them), a cake, you got some new toys and some new flowers for your grave. This is not what I imagined for myself but it's how my life's played out.

And with Teela I feel a lot of remorse. I don't want to say she saved my life or because of her my life is so much better, or that she has taken your place. I still long for a little boy but I just don't know if I will ever have one. I remember when Teela was born all I could focus on was the fact that her birthday was a day before yours and how that could be my connection to you. My heart breaks for her! She didn't ask to be here and she didn't ask to be mistreated. I cried when I thought about her being given to strangers and I cried because I couldn't fully open my heart up to her for about 3 months. I didn't call myself her Mama and I felt uncomfortable when someone else did. But yesterday watching her as we drove back from Walmart I couldn't help but want to pull her out of her car seat and give her a big, long bear hug. She's such a cutie! She's talking more and more and her favorite animal is a horse! She has this big beautiful smile! No one knows what I feel in my heart for her, Cylas, and Prairie. It's an honor to be their mom!!! But I mentioned my heart breaking and it does because her real mom and dad don't know what their missing. They are missing out on the life of a beautiful little girl who only wants to be loved and held. I may not be her real mom but I do love her with all my heart. She manages to make me smile when I don't want to and I like it when she tells Prairie: "my mommy!" I only want what is best for her and I hope that she knows that I do love her very much!

I am dreading the next few months. If I am already having a hard time holding back the tears then what will I be like once December rears it's ugly head. I've got to try and find the balance somehow. Cylas you will always be missing from our lifes. You are the missing link to my happiness and I'm so sad that I can't ever throw you and Teela an awesome party together! It's hard to be happy and celebrate her birthday when my heart is still aching and ripping apart because I am so restricted with what I can do for you. All I want to do is cry!

I miss you everyday!!!

34 MONTHS OLD

2010-10-25T11:20:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my Cylas turned 34 months old in heaven. These days never get any easier!!! Whenever I give my girls a hug I always know that he is missing. I was reminded of that this morning. I had both of them on my lap and I mentioned that someone was missing and P automatically said "it's Cylas mom, he should be in the middle!" As we creep closer and closer to December I don't know if I should dread it or just embrace it! I mean this year T turns 2 and Cylas will turn 3 and I have someone new in my life who might not understand why I'm so sad. My life has changed just a little and I still don't know if its for the good or bad. Because I know that no one will understand why I feel the way I do. I know that my family tries to understand but they can still never grasp what I'm really feeling. And my love knows about Cylas and he knows that I do still miss him but I often wonder if he will understand me. Or if he'll think I'm over reacting. I haven't had the chance to visit or decorate Cylas' grave in quite a while. Just don't have the $$$ to do anything. I am going back to school to be a CNA and see where that takes me. My girls are growing and getting so beautiful. T is talking more and P is getting so tall! She's more mature than I could ever imagine. I can't help but picture Cylas as this little man running wild wanting to play ball or wrestle all the time. He'd probably be running around in his undies. I miss him so much and I see him in every little boy that I see. My heart just aches so much!! My girls are missing their brother and they are missing that special bond that siblings should have. It's just unfair and hard to try and make through the day with a smile on my face. In two months I'll be celebrating a birthday for a child who isn't here, he won't get to blow out his candles or unwrap presents. Instead I will fight my way through the tears and buy him some new flowers and toys for his grave and sending him messages on balloons from his family. This is my reality and somehow I have managed to survive.

33 MONTHS

2010-10-15T16:12:00.000-04:00

I remembered you today with a broken heart. I haven't held you in my arms since January 2008 and I still wish everyday that you were here with us. I also remembered all babies taken too soon!!! Today is the day to remember all of your angel friends. I need to find a candle to light tonight at 7 but even if I don't do that, I will still think about you and all your friends.

I still miss you so much. I can close my eyes and see your chubby cheeks and thick black hair. I remember how it felt to run my fingers through your hair. And I remember looking into your eyes each night as I fed you. I long to hold you in my arms. And to smell you smell again.

I LOVE YOU CYLAS (Taladu)!!!!!

I'M EARLY

2010-10-14T16:36:00.000-04:00

TOMORROW IS THE DAY TO REMEMBER ALL BABIES LOST. I AM A LITTLE EARLY BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE THIS IS POSTED.

KARRY: I REMEMBER JACK

LIZ: I REMEMBER ALIVIA

CHRISTINE: I REMEMBER OLIVE LUCY

SHANNON: I REMEMBER TRISTAN

KELLY: I REMEMBER REESE

SAMARIA: I REMEMBER SAIGE

MICHELLEY: I REMEMBER ALEXANDRA

BROOKE: I REMEMBER CADEN

SARA: I REMEMBER AUSTIN

DIV: I REMEMBER MIHIR

MAYDA: I REMEMBER LITTLE HAWK

MACHELE: I REMEMBER MACAYLA

MISTY: I REMEMBER JAY

BETH: I REMEMBER JOSHUA

^j^ I ALSO REMEMBER ALL THE NEW ANGELS AND THEIR FAMILIES THAT HAVE JOINED US IN RECENT MONTHS. ^j^

TOMORROW

2010-10-14T16:30:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is OCTOBER 15TH, please join me in remembering all babies who have died, including my son Cylas! You can do this by lighting a candle or even remembering to pray for someone you know who has lost a child. It's not something to be ashamed of and I for one am not ashamed! He was my son with those chubby cheeks and black hair. He was a baby brother to my daughter, he was a nephew, he was a cousin, and he was a grandson!! He was real and he was here! I will miss him forever but he will live on in my heart always!!

SHARING THIS WITH YOU...............

2010-10-12T12:58:00.000-04:00

Cylas we survived Fair week. The new Kituwah Academy float placed 2nd this year, but it should have gotten first. AND your sister was named 1st Runner-up in the 2010 Little Miss Cherokee pageant. I am so proud of your sister. She did an outstanding job. She was carrying you with her every step of the way!!! I think thinking of you made her stay calm and confidant!!! She told me at one point that she was just thinking about you. It brought tears to my eyes to think about you missing yet another special event in our lives. But I'm glad she included you in her thoughts!!

And she's ready for next year!!!!

OCTOBER

2010-10-04T16:15:00.000-04:00

October is always a busy month for our family, well maybe just the first full week, but it's still very busy. It's Fair week, time for some good food, rides and entertainment!! This will be your third missed Fair and I wish every year that you were here to enjoy to it. This year Big Sister is running for Little Miss Cherokee and her pageant is tomorrow and Wednesday night. She's been preparing but not as well as I would like for her too!! I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope she pulls it off. The parade will be tomorrow afternoon and then we'll straight to the fair grounds.

But October is also Breast Cancer Awareness and Domestic Violence Month and it makes me sad that there is no mention of October 15th!!! What about all the babies that are lost everyday? Don't they matter!!! I guess they only matter to the people that miss them the most, their families!!! I wish I could change that. I wish I knew that there was a way to spread the word out!! I put it out there on FACEBOOK, but it only reaches so many people.

ANOTHER MONTH, ANOTHER DAY

2010-09-24T13:33:00.000-04:00

To my angel in heaven...........today you are 33 months old. You are loved and missed very much!!! Stay close my little Cylas!!!!!!

I SAID GOODBYE 32 MONTHS AGO

2010-09-15T13:06:00.000-04:00

CYLAS WE LOVE AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH!!

WHAT I WISH I COULD DO?

2010-09-14T13:27:00.000-04:00

Cylas there are many times I sit at work and look at your pictures and wish that I could reach out and pick you up. If that could happen I would hold you and cuddle you all day long. All those smells that I miss would be refreshed in my mind and in my nose. My arms would be reminded of how much I miss holding you and loving you. I would spend my day rubbing your head and looking into those amazing dark eyes. And I would talk to you about everything. I would fill you in on what you've missed and I would just cherish every moment with you.

And it hurts my heart to know that this is only another wish that will never come true. The last couple of days have been hard on me emotionally and I don't know why. I guess it's time for my ride on the emotional roller coaster. I've been avoiding it for awhile and sometimes it just catches you off guard. Tomorrow will be 32 months since I had to say goodbye to you and I've really been thinking about you so much.

All I want is to hold you again and tell you that I love you very much!! Prairie is getting so big. She keeps telling that she's "almost" as tall as I am but she's not even close. She's so lovable and fun to be around. And Boss is getting big too!!! She's talking more now and is developing such an attitude. I think she's gonna be a handful!! I know that you would have been a good brother. And you are missed in all the action! I always mention that you would probably be wrestling with Prairie and pestering Boss. I miss that and I miss you!!!

Love,
Mom

MISSING YOU

2010-09-10T19:06:00.001-04:00

I wanted to let you know that I spent part of my day thinking about you! I don't know why and I can't explain it. But I keep thinking about what you would be like if you were here. I can just see us wrestling and playing some rough little boy football right about now. I would be chasing you around and having tons of fun with my little boy!

I miss you so much!! I miss the sweet smell of your hair after a bath and those chubby cheeks! I miss holding you in my arms! And I miss being your mother. I didn't get much time with you but I know that I could have a good mommy to you if only I was given a chance! I want to hear the words "I love you, mom" in a rough but playful little boy voice. Or even hear you shout "mommy" when I come to pick you up from school, like Boss does! I miss tripping over trucks and cars in the hallway of our house! I miss all the things that most mom's complain about!! I would love to experience everything a little boy could possibly get into!

Cylas, I love and miss you so much! I wish everyday that you were here with me!

ANGEL BRACELET

2010-09-07T09:08:00.000-04:00

On Saturday I received my Angel Bracelet. And I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPECIAL DAY

2010-08-27T08:00:00.000-04:00

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY TO A SPECIAL LITTLE ANGEL, OLIVE LUCY!!! You are loved and missed by so many friends and your family!!!!!! I hope you have an AWESOME birthday in heaven with all of your angel buddies!!!!!

32 MONTHS OLD

2010-08-24T10:18:00.001-04:00

Cylas, baby today you are 32 months old! Its so hard to believe that in a few months you'll be 3 years old! I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and I love you very much!!

WHAT I'M MISSING

2010-08-20T11:20:00.001-04:00

I had a housewarming shower yesterday and my cousin brought my aunt. Her name is Julie and she has two kids. One of those kids is two months older than you! It was very hard to see her little boy running around and not think "that could be Cylas." All I yearn for is to have my family complete again and it breaks my heart to know that will never happen. Junior is potty trained and very active. He's talking and clearly loves his momma! And of course he fights with his older sister. He does all the stuff I would love to see but never will. But on the up side I did get an idea of what you would be doing if you had lived.

It was nice to see Junior but it also cut like a knife! I know you and him would have probably tore up the place because that's what boys do, right! I know that I will have these little reminders for the rest of my life I just hope they stop hurting as much! I still miss you so much and I still wish upon a star for your return! I'm a mom aho wants to hold her child again! I want to hold your hand until you fall asleep at night and I want to trip over all your boy toys! I think there's a reason why I don't go around my cousin that much and her son is the reason why. Its just too hard!

Cylas, I love you very much!! I wish you were here!!

MOM

31 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

2010-08-16T09:11:00.000-04:00

I am feeling bad this morning. And I hate to say it, but the 15th past and I didn't even realize what the date was until this morning. You have been gone for 31 months and it's already starting; I am already overlooking your special days, days that shouldn't be forgotten. I would like to say that I've just been busy but that isn't a good excuse. I honestly don't pay much attention to the dates anymore. And then of course with J in my life and dealing with all that drama I'd pretty much rather go back into my fox hole and stay there for a month or so!!!!

Cylas I'm sorry about forgetting what yesterday was. Please know that you are forever in my heart!!!! And I do love you! You are my son and I miss you everyday!!!! I hate what my life has become as of late. I'm happy one day and then the next I'm not!

YOUR SISTERS ARE SILLY

2010-07-29T13:07:00.000-04:00

Here they are at their very best!!! What do you think?

31 MONTHS OLD

2010-07-23T08:48:00.000-04:00

You don't turn this old until tomorrow but as usual I only have a computer at work so I have to use it while I got it. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. And that I miss you just as much now as I did a week after you went to heaven. I still wish everyday that you could come back and spend just ONE more day with me. I would love to see your chubby cheeks again. I would also love to run my fingers through that thick hair of yours. And give you all the kisses that I have!!!!!!! But I know that this is the only wish that will not come true. I have the rest of my life, while yours has already ended. Your already in Heaven and that gives me something to look forward too! It's a bittersweet feeling but all I can do is honor your memory and make sure your not forgotten.

CYLAS, MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!!!!

BEEN FEELING GUILTY

2010-07-21T08:37:00.000-04:00

Cylas, lately I've been feeling guilty about everything imaginable. I feel guilty about you and not going to see you as much as I would like. I feel guilty about the girls, I feel like I'm not being the mom that they need me to be. And of course I'm feeling guilty about my relationship with J. I keep thinking I'm not good enough for him and I am so scared that I will do or say something that will totally mess it up. I feel like I've totally failed you in so many ways. If I would have fought harder for better treatment when you were sick I keep thinking that maybe you would still be here. I thought that after a while the guilt would go away but it hasn't. I just end up feeling guilty about everything else as well.

I want to be the best mom I can be to your sisters but there are times I have to step back and take a deep breath!!! I think for the most part I wish that I had more help with them. I hate being a single parent. I wish that I wasn't alone in the parenting section of my life. My EX doesn't offer much assistance, half the time I have to beg him to keep Prairie or plan something three weeks in advance, which totally sucks. And then Boss, she's all mine. I am her mom and her dad. It's so stressful at times. But I am also thankful that I have made it this fair by myself. It's made me stronger and I've learned that I can do stuff on my own. I love your sisters so much. I really hope that they know that.

And now J is in the picture. He doesn't have children and he's never been married so of course this is all new to him. He's scared to even hug my girls because he's afraid they'll break or something. And I don't expect him to come into our life and pick up right where my EX left off. That's not his job. He's been wonderful. We've hit a few bumps in the road but after a while they manage to go away. We've been together for two months and we have a date night (that sometimes includes Prairie). But I think it's good that he accepts me and that he accepts my kids. His parents on the other hand are another story completely. They're not exactly my biggest fans at the moment. But I'm not dating them, or the world, I am dating J and that's all that matters.

Cylas, will this guilt ever go away or will I have to live with it the rest of my life? I just can't seem to convince myself that I am a good person, a good mom, and that everything will work out. I am constantly worrying about the health and safety of the girls. Losing you has really made me more aware of things that can happen. I hope that all of this will pass..

30 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

2010-07-15T08:07:00.000-04:00

30 months, really!!!! It feels like I said goodbye to you only yesterday. It doesn't seem like our goodbyes are already that far away. Soon you will be 3 years old and even that's unbelievable! All I can do is imagine how you would have been. I've missed out on so much; sometimes it's very hard to comprehend and then there are times I have to laugh because I know that I would be a very busy Momma!! But to be honest I'd rather be a busy Momma then what I've become over the last 30 months. I've become someone that I don't even recognize. It's amazing how much grief and the loss of someone you love so dearly can change your whole life. I have tried my hardest to make life normal not only for myself but for your sisters too! That's a task that's easier said than done.

No matter how normal it gets, you are still missing from everything we do. You are not here for the holidays or the birthdays. It still stings when I think about all that we could be doing right now. I wanted to play with toy trucks and back hoes. I wanted to teach you how to kick and catch a football. I wanted to see you grow and play with your sisters. Your sisters keep me busy but I am still missing you everyday. I want you here with me. Will the "want" ever go away? Will I ever adjust to this new "normal"?

CYLAS, I LOVE AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY. PLEASE STAY CLOSE. WATCH OVER YOUR SISTERS AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS!!!!

MOMMY

OUR HOUSE

2010-07-08T09:32:00.000-04:00

The process of moving in has been very long. Everything is ready to except for the girls' room. I still need to set up the entertainment in there. Your Big Sis wants her TV operational before we stay our first night in the house so that's about the last thing that needs to be done. I have a few pictures to post. I don't have a picture of the living room or the extra bedroom though. Right now the extra room is being used as the "contruction" site. And I'm still trying to figure out how I want my Living room set up. And also since the pictures were taken my bed has been put together I just haven't had time to take another picture.

The pictures are: my kitchen, my TV in my room, my bed, the kitchen table, and my washer & dryer.

I hope to post more pictures soon. J is going to get Satellite for the house so that's something that hasn't happened yet but we're both working on this. He wants to make sure the girls have cartoon channels, too!!!

" I WILL CARRY YOU"

2010-06-29T14:32:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I just bought the book written by Angie Smith. It's telling the story of her precious daughter Audrey Caroline. I'm only to chapter 4 and with two very active little girls it will probably take me a while before I finish it. I've read her blog and have been keeping up with her and her family for the last year and a half. They have now welcomed a new daughter into their lives. I like the way Angie tells her story. She doesn't hold anything back and uses scripture from the bible throughout the book. She and her husband believe with all their hearts that there was a reason for Audrey Caroline and that there was a reason why they were chosen to be her parents. What I like about this family is that they never gave up hope and the wonder of prayer. They never stopped praying for a miracle. I love their values.

I think so far the most heartbreaking part of the book was having to tell their young daughters that their sister would probably go straight to Jesus. That part really tugged at my heart because I too had to tell my own daughter that her brother was in heaven. They were lost and didn't know how to break the news to them. They did something I didn't do, they depended on the Lord to give them the strength they needed to make it through that conversation. I was so angry and hurt during my little talk that I didn't even consider letting the Lord give me the right words I needed to use on her very young, sentitive heart. Having to tell my daughter that her brother wasn't coming home was and has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Looking back there are so many things that could have been done differently. But I think I did pretty good. She was able to understand what I was saying and she knows that if she ever starts missing him too bad all she has to do is close her eyes and talk to him just like he were right in front of her.

I'm not saying that I have the best relationship with the Lord but I have been trying very hard to live by faith and pray about situations in my life. I do that now, but I wish I did that when Cylas was so sick. I honestly don't know if it would have made a difference or not but I think it would have made a huge difference on MY heart. Cylas has been in heaven for 29 months and in those 29 months I've some good days and I've had some down right awful days. There have been times all I do is cry and then there are times that everything seems to be alright. I don't visit his grave like I used to and I no longer feel guilty for not going there. Am I a bad mother? No, not necessarily. It just means that I'm healing. Do I still miss him? Yes, I do. I miss him more and more everyday but I don't always mention it to anyone. Will I ever forget him? No, I have vowed not to forget my son. I can still close my eyes and I see his precious face just like it was yesterday. The only thing I can't do is reach out and touch him. If that were the case then I would probably grab him and never let go. I keep thinking about how old he will be or would have been. It continues to blow my mind with how much time has passed.

Today is one of those days. It's a day for Cylas to be on my mind. I have subtle hints of tears in my eyes but nothing flows but they are there ready to go should I decide I need to cry. So as I am trying to read this wonderful book, I am reminded of my pregnancy with Cylas. It has me going back over every little detail of my pregnancy. I am thankful that this lady was willing to share her story with so many people. Before I lost Cylas I had one of those stupid brains that never knew how it felt to lose a child. I never knew the kind of pain that I know now. And no one will ever understand why I feel the way I do. Like when I say I don't like Cylas being in the dark at the graveyard and he needs some lights. Some people look at me like I'm crazy and then some look at me with a little bit of understanding and I would so take that look over any other look I could get.

Cylas' story is special but only to me and a few select friends that I have made over the last 29 months. I have great friends who totally understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. And I am thankful to those friends. They don't know how much of a life saver they have been to me. I have my family but some of them have forgotten that precious little boy who stole my heart. They forget why its so hard for me to smile from time to time. They forget why I need some alone time.

30 MONTHS OLD

2010-06-25T09:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the day you turned 30 months old. I still remember the day you were born. I still remember the smell of your hair after a bath. I still remember how soft your little feet were. I still remember how it felt to run my fingers through your hair. Even though your not here, those memories still remain fresh in my mind. Those are the things that I never want to forget. And even though it breaks my heart I still remember the day you died. That is the one memory I wish I didn't have.

Cylas you are still loved and missed by your momma. There is still not a day that goes by that I don't wish you were still here. I miss you so much. I admit those sad days are a few and far between but it's the unknown that still gets me. I never know when the waves of sorrow will hit and when they do they shatter my world all over again.

Life here has been moving forward. Your sisters are growing and learning every day. I am moving forward in my life. I have someone new in my life who has managed to make me smile again, the one thing that I never thought would happen. He loves me and likes your sisters. It's still fresh and new but I am happy. I know that there will always be that empty spot in my life, it's the spot that should have been filled with little boy love. The love that only a boy can give his momma. That spot will always be yours.

Cylas, little man, Momma loves you so very much. I hope that you feel that love every day and night while your sitting on that soft fluffy cloud watching over me and your sisters.

ANGELVARSARY (29 MONTHS)

2010-06-16T08:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a good day. Considering everything. I had a birthday but I also share that special day with an Angelvarsary. The last two years my birthday has been miserable. I didn't want to celebrate it all. If everyone forgot about my birthday then that was fine with me but yesterday my friends and family remembered it and J went out of his way to make it special for me. It was the best birthday I've had in a long time.

But on the inside and always on my mind was you. I'm reminded of my loss every single day. I know what I'm missing. With each birthday that passes I will always know that I share my day with an angelvarsary. Each year has my age changes I also know that the amount of time you've been gone gets higher and higher. You are missed every day. You are loved and still wanted!!

But I know that you were sitting on your special cloud sending me hugs and kisses on my birthday. I don't like the fact that your gone, but it's become a way of life. I may not like it but I have to deal with it. But I carry you in my heart always and I love you very much!!!!!

MOVING IN

2010-06-10T12:38:00.000-04:00

I know that I have been doing an awful job at keeping you update on stuff. Right now it's just so hectic!! I can't wait for it to slow down. On a positive note, I am slowly moving stuff into the new house. My furniture and the washer and dryer will be delivered tomorrow morning and my friend Sassy is giving me two beds; one for Big Sis-Sis and a toddler bed for Boss. I've still got to go purchase the TV's and my bed but that might happen over the weekend.

Sis-Sis (This is what Teela calls Prairie) and Boss have had some fun running around in the new house. How I wish that you were there to do that too!! I wish you could join in on our excitement! I wish I was decorating a little boys room right about now. Oh there are numerous things that I wish you and I could do. I want to toss a football with you and see you and play!! I miss you so much. I often wonder if anyone else still thinks about you or not.

Hopefully, I'll be able to take some pictures of a furnished house soon!

Love,
Mom

POP'S BIRTHDAY

2010-06-04T15:28:00.002-04:00

And if you get a chance, stop by and visit Pop. Today is his birthday!!!

Happy Birthday to my dad and your Pop, Leroy!!!!!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

2010-06-04T15:27:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how long it's been since I've last posted anything here. But it feels like forever!!! I have a few things to report. I am now officially in a relationship with J. It's happened a little sooner than I wanted it to but I am going with the flow of things. He makes me really happy and he likes your sisters and that's all I could ask for. He's even asked about you a couple times. It's going really well.

And on the house front, I am hoping to get a move in date next week. I would really like to be in my new house before July! I am so anxious. I am so ready for my own place. I am waiting to hear back from Mr. Townsend to see when my final walk through will be. And then after that everything should start taking off.

Your big sister is officially a first grader. She's finished up her first year of big school and I am so proud of her!! She's getting so tall, too! It seems like she's sprouting up there like a weed. She acts so grown up it's not even funny. I would have loved to see you two together.

Teela is getting big too!! She's starting to use more words and climbs around like a monkey!! I am pretty sure both of you would have had fun messing with your Big Sis!!!

Cylas, I've come to realize that I am always going to miss you. No amount of time will ever pass that I'll completely forget you and I wouldn't want to. You are and always will be my little boy!!

I love you so much!!!
Mommy

29 MONTHS OLD

2010-05-24T08:36:00.000-04:00

Cylas,

I just wanted to let you know that I am missing you today. Today you are 29 months old!! I wish you were here with me. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish you could come back and be in my arms. I love you more and more everyday!!!

HAPPY 29 MONTHS, CYLAS!!!

LOVE,
Mommy

THINKING ABOUT YOU

2010-05-15T20:12:00.001-04:00

Today I am thinking about you! You have been gone for so long but yet my heart still aches for you. I love you Cylas!! I miss you!

LOVE,
Mommy

28 MONTHS AGO OUR GOODBYES WERE SPOKEN

2010-05-14T15:43:00.000-04:00

I wish that number would get lower instead of higher. I've been having some awesome days but then this day, it seems to sneak up on me. It's not actually until tomorrow, but sometimes I can't always post from my blackberry. I was awake until 3 am this morning thinking about you and feeling bad all over again about things that I couldn't do for you. It really SUCKS this world of mine. I mean I am trying to move forward and be happy and I have been happy thanks to J and whatever it is that we have going on right now, but then I get knocked back into reality and realize that no matter how happy I might be, I will never be fully happy ever again. In a perfect world you would be here, growing up and running around chasing your sisters. And I know that it's never gonna happen. Were missing out on your life and your missing out on ours.

I can't believe it's been 28 months already though. All those awful memories are still so fresh in my head. You are a handsome little boy and if I had known that I wasn't getting a whole lot of time with you, you would have been in my bed and in my arms those two weeks you were actually at home. I would have spent every moment with you, I mean I did that, but I would have tried harder to let you know that Momma loves you. I think my biggest fear is that you didn't know how much I truly love you. I felt so guilty over so many things and I didn't get a chance to make that guilt go away. Now I have even more guilt and pain that I am dealing with and trying to make the best of it.

In my heart, I know you are happy and healthy in heaven. I know that I have nothing to worry about. You are probably an expert at flying by now and I am pretty sure you still play with all your angel friends. And I know that you are very helpful to those new angels that have arrived, you know showing them the ropes and making them feel at home. I know that I have my very own angel in heaven and I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and just squeeze you so tight you'll be squirming to get loose. I definitely can't wait to run my fingers through that hair of yours and pinch those chubby, chubby cheeks. You know I don't think I'll ever understand why I must go through the rest of my life without you but I will spend every minute carrying you in my heart and making sure your not forgotten!!

Mommy wants you to know that I love you very much!!!!! I miss you more than anyone knows!!

MOTHER'S DAY

2010-05-10T08:36:00.000-04:00

Mother's Day doesn't hold much meaning to me. I mean, yeah, I have two beautiful little girls here with me but I am still missing a handsome son that I long to hold in my arms. None of the holidays are special because someone is always missing from my day. This poem was posted on BBC and I wanted to share it here. I hope that is ok.

I am writing to you from Heaven

And though it must appear
A rather strange idea
I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit
Your shops to find a card
A card of love for my Mum
As this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought
Every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card
From a child who lives in Heaven.

She is still a Mother too
No matter where I reside
I had to leave she understands
But oh the tears she cried.

I thought that if I wrote to you
That you would come to know
That though I live in Heaven now
I still love my Mummy so.

She talks with me and dreams with me
We still share laughter too
Prayers are our way of speaking now
Would you see what you can do?

My Mum carries me in her heart
Her tears she hides from sight
She thinks of me and misses me
Sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in her garden
There my memory dwells
She helps other grieving parents
Trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark
Though I no longer live on earth
I must try to find a way
To remind her of her worth.

She needs to be honoured
And remembered too
Just like children on earth
For their Mums today do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark
I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do
To you I’ll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her
How much she means to me
Until I can do it myself
When we’re joined in Eternity

(Author and title unknown)

MY RANT

2010-05-07T11:11:00.000-04:00

I can't believe the nerve of my EX and your sperm donor, Cylas. I'm finally ready to try and start dating again and he finds a way to make me feel so angry and mad all over again. I have a Facebook account, and he recently set one up for himself, too. Well I guess yesterday he found mine and seen where I was talking about J and how much I like him and everything. So he texts me and says "what's up?" And I'm like what to do you mean? And he said oh I just seen your FB account. I told him that I loved FB! I thought that would be the end of the conversation, but I was wrong.

Then he said I see you have a new beau and I said no not yet, but I'm working on it. And he said oh, well I have to admit I was a little jealous, but I am happy for you. I'm like WHAT!!! I was livid. After everything that has happened in the last three years he has no right to be jealous over anything or anyone. He lost that right when he walked away from our marriage and decided to end it. He denied you and said you were not his son. I was upset and mad the rest of the evening. I even had a conversation with J but couldn't enjoy it because I kept thinking about the EX!!! He's so ridiculous. He has a new wife, he made his choice and I guess now he has to live with it.

And that's not even the topper to this whole drama. He's been asking me if he can come see the house. He said that Prairie "told" him she wanted him to see her new room. I've come thisclose to agreeing on that happening, you know to keep her happy, but then I find out she hasn't even said anything about him coming to see her room at all. He's using her to get to me and I almost let it happen. I should have known better. I feel like an idiot right now.

Go figure, as soon as I'm ready to open up to someone new, and a GOOD someone, my EX decides to add his two cents. J makes me smile, I just think about him and I smile. That's something that hasn't happened in a long time. We've had our first conversation on the phone and talked about everything. I told him about you, and of course he already knows about Prairie and Boss, but I know he was just making sure I didn't have like ten more kids hiding somewhere, HA! He likes Vampires, which I think is AWESOME! He works, and no one has to make him work, I had to threaten the EX in order to get him to keep a job! J is just better. And I've been praying so hard about this. I don't want my heart to lead the way, which is what happened the last time, I want God to have a hand in this. If J and I are meant to be then I guess we'll know soon enough. I am pretty sure you can see a little difference in me. And you are more than welcome to nudge J's thoughts my way, if you want to!

My EX is realizing what he's missing. He sees all the blessings I've received. I'm blessed to have three wonderful children and soon I'll be blessed with my very own house. I recently got a different vehicle, not new but it's new to me. I truly feel blessed. I don't what else to say. Things are moving along with J and I feel like I'm finally in a happy place. I don't need anyone trying to ruin that. I can honestly say that I am really jazzed about J and can't wait to hear from him. I hope I get to see him tonight. I've been trying to get him to the movies, but he's always working. He's such a hard worker!! So different from the EX!

THE TWINS

2010-05-05T15:19:00.000-04:00

Cylas, my heart is breaking right now. I just talked to my cousin Linda. She lost her son last June to an overdose. He left behind twin boys. Their names are Andrae and Bryan and they will be turning 4 in September. They are so young to already be without a daddy. I wish that he had made better decisions than he did, but I guess it was in God's plans.

These two little boys miss their dad so much. They don't understand why he's not coming back and when they get mad at their mom or Mamaw they tell them to call their dad to come get them. Andrae was staying with his Mamaw the other day and he told her he wanted the angels to come and take him away so he could be with his daddy. She talked to him and told him that it may be a while before angels come for him. She told him that he may be 50 years old before the angels need him in Heaven. She said but until then you need to stay here and when it's time for you to go then the angels will come get you and take you right to your daddy. As she was telling me this tears streamed down my cheeks. I hate to see or even hear of kids being in so much pain. Because there's really nothing that can you say to make them feel better.

Unfortunately, those boys don't get that at home with their mom and her boyfriend. If the boys bring up their dad they change the subject. I can't say for sure if this is healthy or not. I know that after losing you, I wanted to completely shut down and not talk to anyone, but your sister was the one who kept asking questions. She wanted to know what happened and she wanted to know why you were not coming home. She had these exact same questions and even though they were hard to answer I did the best that I could and I continue to do that today. If she wants to talk about you, then we talk about you. And if we end up crying, then that's alright too! I think that the boy's mom should take some time to talk to them or find someone who will talk to them. Little kids need an outlet too! If they feel like they don't have one then their behavior could change.

Their Mamaw also keeps pictures of her son up all over her house. She told the boys that by having those pictures it allows their dad the oppurtunity to see them. And that's very good to. I know many times I sit in my room and talk to your picture. I trace over your features and fall in love all over again with my handsome little boy! I think the Mamaw is doing a very good job with helping these little boys. But she needs some help. I can only pray and ask God to send them some comfort. I don't get to see these boys but that doesn't mean that I don't love them or care about them.

Cylas, I know that I ask you to do many things from your little cloud in heaven, but you can drop all that and visit these little boys, your cousins. Let them know that their daddy is always around even if they see him. I know Andrew and he wouldn't want his boys hurting so much. Give them some peace and let them know that their going to be ok. You are a good angel and you've helped momma and your sister so much. I love you with all my heart!!!!!

Mom

JUST LETTIN' YOU KNOW

2010-05-03T13:25:00.002-04:00

Cylas,

I think momma is falling in love again, I guess that's what you could call it, but who knows. It's a surprising feeling, one that I thought I would never feel again, but on the other hand it's very terrifying. No worries though, it's still in the early stages, it's almost like a new car, you know you have to get a feel of the car before you know if you like it or not. I'm attracted to him, I mean he got my attention from the get go but things are moving slowly right now. I've only had a couple conversations wtih him and then there are the occasional "hello's" and smiles that we share. We are still getting to know each other.

I think I can honestly say I am scared to death. I thought I didn't want another relationship. I thought that I had convinced myself that I was better off alone, well you know, just me and the girls. I definitely don't want to get hurt again. I have days that I want this to work and then I have days when I have a lot of doubt about the whole thing. I plan on taking it day by day.

This guy goes to Nan's church, he's really nice, he's 36 and has a steady job. Actually he's an electrician and I plan on getting him to help me when I get in the house. He's offered to hook up my security lights that are on the corner's of the house and to check my outlets to make sure they work and are hooked up. I don't know if he know's I like him but right now I'm just keeping this to myself. Your cousin Earl is anxious for something to happen. He said that he knows J is better than the Ex, which is the truth, for now.

So for now I can't say where this will lead. And I'm kind of glad it is moving slowly because there are a few goals I want to reach before I bring a man into my crazy life. I want to have a home and I want you and the girls to have a home. That's been the biggest obstacle thus far and it's getting so close to happening. I also need to learn more about J. I want to make sure he's not crazy and I want to make sure he likes kids. That's another big worry that I have. I keep thinking about that question and running it over and over through my mind. I keep thinking about the numerous things he could say or the things he couldn't or wouldn't say. I am worried that the girls might actually scare him off. And I guess that's why I remain unsure about this.

I don't know why I came here and wrote to you about it. I guess I kind of figured you might know something I don't know. I would like to ask you to help me out, send me some kind of sign that would resemble a yay or a nay!! Does that sound crazy???

Mom

OH YEAH

2010-04-30T10:56:00.001-04:00

On DWTS this week (week 6) Jake got kicked off!!

HEY

2010-04-30T09:30:00.000-04:00

Well Cylas, your sisters had a good time at the Zoo. Your nana decided to go with us at the last minute so Boss was able to go to the Zoo too!! Boss fell in love with the Monkeys and both of them seemed to really like watching the Otters swim around. I like monkeys to, I think they are so cute!!!

We had one of Iwodi's friends wtih us. Her name is Quana. She was with us the whole time and towards the end she done something to her ankle and ended up spraining it pretty bad. But I think she'll be fine. Overall we had a great time. I am going to add some pictures of Quana and Iwodi on a Camel and then a pictured of a gorilla we seen.

Of course you probably seen everything we did from your cloud in heaven but I still wanted to share them.

TRIP

2010-04-28T13:21:00.000-04:00

Cylas,

Your Big Sister and I will be going to the Knoxville Zoo. Boss will go to school and Nan and Pop will pick her up. I know that sounds bad, but I think Iwodi and I could some mother/daughter time. She always likes it when it's just me and her. I guess because she has my attention and knows that no one will interfere with that attention. However, you are more than welcome to enjoy this trip with us. I know that Iwodi will talk about you and how much you would have enjoyed this trip, so I ask that you be with us. We carry you in our hearts always! I know that we will make the best out of this trip no matter what.

Thinking about you today! I miss you so much.

Mom

THE PIC SAYS IT ALL

2010-04-26T13:18:00.000-04:00

Cylas,

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you today.

28 MONTHS OLD.......TOMORROW

2010-04-23T10:23:00.000-04:00

Cylas,

I know that I've been using your blog to post about other things. Here lately I haven't had anything to say. I send you messages everyday, letting you know that I haven't forgotten my special little boy. My thoughts are always of you, wondering and thinking about what might have been. Sometimes I feel like you've slipped too far away from my mind and I feel sad because I don't dream about you. When I do dream about you, which I've only done once, I wake up freaked out rather than relieved. In a dream I had a few months ago you were alive and you could talk. It was as if no time had passed in my life but you had changed, you were no longer a baby and you understood what was going on around you. I think you even told me that you were ok and that I didn't need worry because everything was going to be ok. Son, I know you are trying to ease my sorrow but I'd much rather have you here with me and your sisters.

I can't believe you are going to be 28 months old. I can't believe how much time I've missed. I see other little boys your age and automatically feel that sting in my heart. I can't even bring myself to shop for little boy toys or clothes. My friends little boy had a birthday and I couldn't even look at anything. I ended up getting him a gift card. I've noticed there are some things that are too difficult for me to do. I still don't act right around baby boys, I tend to keep my distance and only comment when "expected" to. I also still want a little boy and I really hope that you understand that I am in no way hoping to replace you. You will always be my Cylas! You will always and forever be my little boy. I've said it many times, when you made your trip to heaven a part of my heart was taken with you and that part is yours and yours alone. And I love the girls, I love each you with all my heart but the momma in me wants a boy. But that want might not ever happen because I don't plan on having more kids. I guess I'm hoping I get lucky and someone will give me their boy. It's a nice thought.

I've been very slack with the visiting but I've been going and going. Sometimes I feel like the energizer bunny, I feel like I never stop to smell the roses. I'm starting to get excited about moving into our house, FINALLY. I'm registered at Walmart and I'll probably register at a few other places too! I've got the funds to buy what's needed for a house, just haven't been looking. I've done price checks on TV's and beds but that's about it. I've been going on school trips with your Big Sis and I've been chasing the little one around, she goes and goes too! I am so tired at the end of the day it's not even funny. I'm also trying to get another vehicle. So as you can see I have alot on my plate. I am also trying to participate in a Fundraising Committee at your sister's school and I will be going on another school trip to the Knoxville Zoo next Thursday. I'm busy, busy. But once it slows down a little I will visit more often. I carry you in my heart 24-7 so just know that I have not forgotten you.

HAPPY 28 MONTHS, CYLAS!!!

Momma loves you & your sisters love you!!!

DWTS week 5

2010-04-20T21:41:00.001-04:00

I am blogging with a heavy heart! Kate was eliminated tonight! But I am very proud of her and I totally supported her! I think single mom's need to do whatever they have to no matter what anyone says!

Kate I hated to see you go!

ELIMINATION WEEK 4

2010-04-15T10:28:00.000-04:00

This post may be a little late, but to be completely honest with you. I missed the elimination show this week. I chose to go watch "Why Did I Get Married Too?" while I was TN. But I have caught myself up by reading PEOPLE magazine onine and found out who got eliminated. One of my male picks was sent home. BYE BYE Aiden!!

It makes me feel better knowing that Kate is still on there. I can't wait for next week's show.

27 MONTHS

2010-04-15T09:49:00.000-04:00

It's been 27 months since I've said Goodbye to a gorgeous little boy who stole my heart the moment I looked into his eyes.

DWTS Week 4

2010-04-13T10:10:00.000-04:00

Well I only watched half of the program last night. I missed the other half because I had to go out for a little ride. The older I get the more I become a night owl!!

But from what I read about last night's performance's it looks like Kate has improved but she didn't move from the bottom in the scoring. I was on my cell phone last night riding through Cherokee voting for Kate. I didn't vote for anyone else.

I was able to see Evan, Erin, and Niecy dance before I left and they did pretty good. The judges are being very knit picky this year. Or they could always be like that but it just seems like they are alot harder on these celebraties than previous contestants.

I won't be able to post about the elimination show, not sure if I'll get to watch it or not. I'm going out of town for the night and bound for Dollywood in the morning. But I will try my best to update when I return on Thursday.

I wish we could receive a "Spring Break" like the school children do.

Cylas, I'm thinking about you today. I want to ask that you be with your sisters. Prairie hurt her arm over the weekend and Teela is trying to get sick. Please ask God to help them get better ok. I love you and miss so much!!!!!

TREES, TREES, AND TREES

2010-04-07T12:23:00.000-04:00

Remember when I said they were going to start clearing 40 ft. of trees for my powerlines. Well they started yesterday and the pictures above are only the beginning. It looks like beavers have taken over my land. It looks awful. And I think the company only cuts them down, they don't do any kind of clean up or nothing.

I think I'm going to need some man power after this job is complete. What do you think?

CONVERSATIONS ABOUT CYLAS

2010-04-07T11:08:00.000-04:00

Last night was a diffucult night, why? I don't know. Prairie wanted to talk about Cylas. It might not have been the best decision but we talked about day and/or evening he died, depending on how to look at it. She missed that and for good reason. During the most devastating time of my families life Prairie was at our cousins house. She was unaware of the events that were unfolding. But I knew that would be the best place for her.

I told her about how much his appearance had changed since the last time she had seen him. He was all swollen, his arms up over his head because he wasn't able to lay them at his side, and just the way he was breathing I knew that would have been hard for her to see. She understands why I didn't want her to be there and now says that she didn't want to see him die. Of course, I didn't tell her all the details but just enough to help her understand.

I told her how hard it was for me to "wait" for him to die and that I only wanted to save him. And then once he did pass away, I told her about how badly I wanted him back and I still want him back. When the doctor called his time of death I was right there holding his little hand and running my fingers through his thick black hair with tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't scream or wail out but I knew that I had lost him. I think the robot mode started almost immediately. It didn't get bad until I got home and realized my baby wasn't with me. His pictures from the hospital were laying on the table waiting to be opened, so I opened them. His crib was empty and cold. My mom asked me if I was going to be able to sleep and I simply said I don't know. I had a very long night. I was listening for him to breath and even waiting for him to wake up for that early morning feeding............but all I heard was nothing but silence.........dead silence.

We talked about when she came from our cousin's house and how I told her that her brother went to heaven. She broke my heart all over again because she didnt' want to believe it. She thought I was going back to the hospital to pick him up just like I had 2 weeks before. We sat in our bedroom and cried. Then I gave her Stripes and told her about his "special powers". Needless to say, Stripes slept in her arms last night as she cried herself to sleep. I feel so bad for her. She misses her brother alot more than I realize. But she tries her best to keep going too!

I asked Cylas to be with her and help her through out the day. She sent him messages through Stripes and I know that he was sitting on his special cloud just waiting to receive them. So instead of bedtime stories at our house, we have conversations about Cylas. She talks about some of the same things I talk about you know what she misses about him. Apparently, she really loved those chubby cheeks. Those cheeks are everyone's favorite.

Cylas, you are missed everyday and the only assurance we have is that you'll live on forever in our hearts and we'll see you again one day. And on another note, your sister told me last night that if she ever has a son his name will be Cylas, in honor of her awesome, brave brother who now sleeps in an Angel's arms.

Mom

ELIMINATION WEEK 3 (DWTS)

2010-04-07T09:57:00.000-04:00

Hallelulah Kate survived!!!

So far all my favorites are still standing!!

BYE, BYE Buzz!!! He's an American Hero and now some what of an accomplished dancer.

Week 4 here they come!!!!!

DWTS WEEK 3

2010-04-06T09:21:00.001-04:00

I watched DWTS last night and I voted. I voted for Kate and Niecy, I wanted to vote for Erin (mainly because I think Maks is so CUTE) but wasn't able to. Apparently, I used all my voting up on Kate, OOPS!

Evan received 26 out of 30 points
Buzz received 13 out of 30 points
Jake received 21 "                      "
Niecy received 21 "                    "
Chad received 20 "                     "
Pam received 21 "                       "
Aiden received 20 "                     "
Erin received 23    "                     "
Kate received 15 "                      "
Nicole received 23 "                     "

I had my note pad out and kept up with everyone's points (see above). Everyone did an amazing job and the judges were a little "judgemental", but hey, that's their job, right! Tonight is the elimination show and you never know what will happen. I hope Kate gets at least one more week. It seems like everyone is against her but I am totally behind her. I support anyone who has a dirty rat EX. She's doing the best she can and I wish she had more of a fan base.

GOOD LUCK to all Dancers tonight!!!

SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T SEEN LATELY BUT HAVE HEARD OF IN THE PAST

2010-04-05T09:01:00.001-04:00

I'm talking about my house of course. I told myself that I wouldn't talk about my house again until I knew we were "moving" forward. It has been a long and hard process but I am happy to say we ARE moving along, just at snail speed. I don't know when my last update was. So here we go, the only thing left to do on the inside is to finish putting the tile down in the living room, it would have been done last week but they ran out of tile. And our power company is sending their tree cutting crew up tomorrow to start clearing 40 ft. of trees for my power line. That has taken the longest because you have to have a permit to cut trees and then my aunt has tried to make the process even longer by stalling. But I think it's all good to go. Once the tile is in then it will be time for me to do my walk through. This is my chance to have them correct anything I might see wrong with the house itself and I think that could happen within the next week or so. Then I'll have to get my power turned on and Tribal Construction will come up and do my sewer system and stuff like that. I don't think I'll move in until June but I'll be surprised if it happens sooner than that. I am so happy and relieved. I was beginning to think I would be living with my parents forever. I am just so excited and ready to have a place to call "home". My home.

On another note, Easter was ok. It's just another holiday with out you. We dyed eggs Saturday night and Teela spilled blue egg dye all over the place before we even started so needless to say she missed out on dyeing eggs. She was calling it Juice. I dyed eggs in your place and Prairie dyed eggs and wasn't willing to share any of her colors with us. But that was fine we had blue and blueish green. So our eggs looked real bright and pretty. Prairie spent Easter with her Grandma (her dad's mom), which usually never happens. I wanted her to be with me. And I'm sorry Cylas but I didn't do anything special at your grave. I haven't had any money or time to do anything but go to work and come home and sleep and then go back to work the next morning. Prairie will start soccer practice Wednesday so there's another thing to add to my list. I really hate that I wasn't able to get you anything.

How is Easter in Heaven? What happens up there? Does Jesus share his life story with you and your friends? Or is it just another day with nothing going on? I wish you could give me the answers to these questions. It be fun to know what goes on up there from time to time. Well anyway I hope you had a great Easter, Cylas.

Loving you and missing you always,
Mommy

HAPPY EASTER!!!

2010-04-01T12:54:00.000-04:00

It's going to be a long weekend around here. I'm not even close to being ready for Easter. I don't anything for you, Prairie, or Teela. We just bought Easter egg dye last night and we usually have that a month ahead of time. I think time just flies by tooooooo fast! I'm so sorry that I've been getting slack on the visits and getting you things for special holidays/occasions. It's not I'm busy or anything................I'm still trying to save money for the house and I know if I start spending what I have then I won't have nothing and that would be bad. I am going to try my best and find you something, I promise.

HAPPY EASTER, CYLAS!!!!!!!!!

DANCING WITH THE STARS (report 2)

2010-03-31T09:29:00.001-04:00

I am sad to admit that I forgot to vote on Monday night. I was trying to put T to sleep and fell asleep in the process. I watched the Elimination show last night and was surprised to find out that Buzz Aldrin gets to dance next week. My guy picks, Jake and Aiden will be back next week. But one of my girl picks was voted off. Bye, Bye Shannen! It was disappointing to see her go, but at least Kate is still there. I also think I am ready to make an early prediction: I think Nicole from the Pussy Cat Dolls will be taking home the ball mirror trophy. She's good! I also like watching Niecy. She keeps it real and she's dedicated her dances to all the more curvy women in the world.

I can't wait to see how well these Stars do next week. They can only get better ( I hope). And I really hope that Kate can put all her focus and frustrations into dancing without being nervous and messing up her dance moves on live TV. Go Kate! Go Aiden! Go Jake! Go Niecy!

SHE'S SIX TODAY

2010-03-31T08:14:00.000-04:00

March 31, 2004

May 2004

Sometime in 2005

March 31, 2010 (TODAY)

Today your sister, Prairie, is six years old. She was born at 5:18 in morning and weighed 7lbs. 9 ozs. She has changed but not that much. She has brightened my days for the last six years and I love her. So when you get a chance send her some birthday hugs and kisses.

WAS IT A BLESSING?

2010-03-30T10:05:00.003-04:00

I know that's a strange question. I've spent many hours and days thinking about this one word since you've died. Was I blessed to have lost you? Was it a blessing that you died? Why would anyone say it was a blessing to lose a child? I know that I don't or didn't see it as a blessing, that's a hard decision. In my heart I wish so badly that you were still here with me growing up right beside your sister(s).

I've had many family members tell me that maybe it was for the best. Even though I hated hearing comments like that I still wasn't disrespectful and I didn't bite their heads off. But this morning as I was taking Teela to school my friends mother who volunteers as a "grandma", she was out front when I came through the door. She looked at me and said "Sarah, do you know you're blessed? Do you know that God blessed you? When your baby died, he made a way for Teela to come into your life. He knew that SHE was going to need someone to love her and knew you would be the one for the job." She went on to say that I have two beautiful little girls. And I know this. I know that I'm blessed to have my daughters. I love them with all my heart. But in the back of my mind I still want my little boy.

27 months ago I was blessed with a handsome little boy who made my heart skip beats. After everything that happened to me during the nine months I carried him, he was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. My life was complete. I wanted a little boy my whole life. I think boys are so much easier to take care of than girls and I couldn't wait to have one of my own. I couldn't wait to play ball with him. I couldn't wait for him to get first hair cut, a mohawk, of course. I couldn't wait to hear him say "momma". I couldn't wait for him to be meaner than snake. And I couldn't wait..................well let's just say I couldn't wait for a whole bunch of things to happen.

I felt blessed and then in a little over four days I didn't feel so blessed anymore. Because when my little boy was only 3 weeks old his little life came to a end. My heart was broken and it still is. My little boy, the child that I wanted so desperately was taken from me. Then along came the question: Why? I kept hearing all kinds of advice from my family, a family who I loved but I know didn't understand the pain I felt. They kept telling me to be strong when all I wanted to do was fall to peices. They kept telling me not to cry when all I wanted to do was fill an ocean with my tears. They kept telling me everything was going to be alright when I knew it wasn't. I mean how will it be alright when a part of you missing.

Then I went home from the hospital and realized I had another little life to think about. I had been so focused on Cylas and getting him better, while his big sister was at home waiting for "us" to come home. Then my heart broke all over again because I didn't know how to tell her he was in heaven and he wouldn't be coming home. Aside from losing him, telling her was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Our lives were empty. We were both just going through the motions. I tried my best to answer her questions and she was trying her best to understand my answers. We picked up the peices of our heart and struggled through the rest of the year. Then in December of 2008 Teela was born, a day before Cylas' first birthday. Immediately, even without seeing her I knew she would make a difference in my life. I knew that her mom wasn't able to take care of her and a part of me was just waiting.

I was scared and wondering how Cylas felt knowing that his momma was connected to another baby. I didn't meet Teela until about a week or so after she was born and up until then I didn't have anything to do with anyone's baby. I avoided babies all together. Then when I seen her I couldn't help but let some of the walls that I had build around my already fragile heart fall. I held her the whole time, not eating New Year's dinner. It was just me and Teela. She was so small, nothing compared to Cylas. Cylas was a hoss and a future football player. I had begun hearing all the horror stories of Teela's life. I cried for her because I knew she didn't deserve to live with parents who were on drugs. Her dad was violent and I was worried about her safety.

My dad, his only concern was for me. He didn't want me to take her in. He was worried about me getting attached to her only to have them take her away. But for some reason I was only worried about her, it wasn't until she was already living with us that I started thinking about losing her. She has been with us for a year and I hardly have any contact with her mom. Everyone has accepted Teela has mine. She has truly helped my heart. But I think Cylas will always be apart of my life. I think there's always going to be what if or what might have been. I mean that's all I have when it comes to him. Teela has bounced over many milestones some they said she would never do. Cylas is sharing his mommy with Teela and through Teela I am seeing what I missed with Cylas. Sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes I laugh because I can only imagine how busy my life would have been with a 27 month old and a 15 month old.

I guess you could say I am just now beginning to feel blessed again. But you know when you fall in the pit you never know how long you'll stay in there. I still have my moments. I still have days when I want to crawl under a rock and stay for about a year but those days are few and far between. My heart is full of love for my children. I send my love to Cylas every day and every night. I carry him with me every where I go. I keep his memory alive and I don't let no one forget about my Cylas. When Teela is old enough to understand I'll tell her about her big brother. I'll tell her that he was a brave little boy and that he made his journey to heaven earlier so he could find the perfect place for his family to spend their eternity.

So I guess after all of that I am blessed for what I have and had. Cylas will never die, he'll live on in our hearts forever. Prairie and Teela will grow up always remembering their brother and that's all I can ask for. Like I said, I love my children. I love them with all my heart and I am blessed.

HAIRCUT & A PARTY

2010-03-29T13:09:00.003-04:00

Cylas,

Our weekend was full of surprises. On Friday your sisters and I went to Wally World and on the spur of the moment Prairie got her hair cut. I think she looks so cute and she really likes it. That's the most important thing is that she likes it, KWIM. Didn't buy a lot of stuff because I needed money for her party, which was the next day.

Saturday she had her party at Chuck E. Cheese's. She had a blast!! I hope you were able to sit on a cloud and watch as the festivities unfolded. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera so no pics were taken. She got to meet Chuck E. and play all kinds of games. I know it will be a party to remember. It wasn't that expensive either. I probably spent the same amount I would have spent if we had it at home. Then after the party she went to Build A Bear and made a bunny rabbit she named Angela. That's always a fun trip to make. She thinks she has to get clothes, panties, and shoes for every animal she builds.

Teela seemed to enjoy herself too. She liked watching the screens at Chuck E. Cheese's and would dance to the music. She didn't get to build her a bear though. I want her to be able to enjoy the experience so I might wait a few months before I actually let her build one. In the meantime she can carry one of Prairie's around.

As always, you were missing from all the chaos I call my life and theirs. I know in my heart you are always with us no matter where we are, but sometimes that isn't enough. I would give anything to have you back in my arms. I would tell you a hundred times or more how much I love you. So even though I try to keep moving I still end up taking a few small steps back. Cylas you are missed and I hope you know that. You are loved more than anything in this world and I only hope that my love and your sister's love reaches you in Heaven.

(Above is a picture of Prairie with her new do. Ok, now I got the picture on here. Doesn't she look cute with this hair cut, Cylas?)

Mommy

27 MONTHS OLD

2010-03-24T09:29:00.000-04:00

TODAY YOU ARE 27 MONTHS OLD, CYLAS.

I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT KIND OF MILESTONES YOU WOULD BE PUSHING THROUGH BUT I WISH YOU WERE HERE TO SHOW ME. I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE TIME TO START WORKING ON POTTY TRAINING. BOYS ARE SO MUCH HARDER TO POTTY TRAIN COMPLETELY. YOU GUYS SEEM TO PICK UP ON THE PEEING PART FASTER THAN THE POOPING PART. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THIS WOULD NOT BE AN ENJOYABLE EVENT FOR BOTH OF US.

AND I ALSO KIND OF FIGURE YOU WOULD BE TALKING UP A STORM. LEARNING AND USING ANY WORD YOU KNOW. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO READ TO? YOUR SISTERS LIKE FOR ME TO READ TO THEM. WELL I GUESS IN A WAY WHEN I READ TO THEM I AM READING TO YOU TOO! YOU CAN PROBABLY HEAR ME IN HEAVEN AND YOU MORE THAN MOST LIKELY LAY ON A CLOUD AND LISTEN TO EVERY WORD. THAT'S A COMFORTING THOUGHT. JUST TO KNOW THAT YOUR NOT MISSING ANYTHING THAT I DO WITH P AND T IS GREAT. YOU MAY NOT BE HERE IN PERSON BUT IN SPIRIT AND IN OUR HEARTS YOU ENJOY YOUR MOMMY!

I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY. EASTER IS COMING UP........COMING UP TOO FAST IF YOU ASK ME. I HAVE SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO DO FOR YOU BUT JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME. I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SET UP AN EASTER TREE FOR YOU. I MIGHT WORK ON THAT THIS WEEKEND. I'LL BE ASHEVILLE ON SATURDAY SO I MIGHT LOOK FOR SOMETHING JUST FOR YOU. P WILL HAVE HER B-DAY PARTY AT CHUCK E CHEESE'S, THAT SHOULD BE FUN! I HOPE YOU ARE ABLE TO TAKE A PEAK OVER THE CLOUDS TO SEE HER AND HER FRIENDS. IT WOULD BE SO NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE THOUGH. YOU MISS SO MUCH EVERYDAY IT'S NOT FAIR.

WELL I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT YOU TODAY. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND I MISS YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW (OR DO YOU?)

MOMMY

DANCING WITH THE STARS

2010-03-23T09:10:00.000-04:00

I watched DWTS last night. I've been waiting on the new season to start. I don't know who I am going to pull for this time around. I usually pull for one female and one male. I was anxious to see Kate Gosselin and Shannen Doherty. I know that everyone thinks Kate doesn't deserve to be on the show, but I believe that everyone deserves a chance at something. I've always liked Shannen. I am a HUGE fan of Charmed and she was Prue for about 3 seasons. I also like Nicole, but I think I'll stick with Kate. I am a single mom and single mom's should support each other. And as for the guys, I really thing Aiden is cute and he did alright last night. I'm also looking at the Bachelor Jake. So I might be pulling for 4 until it gets really good. It's only the beginning and I can't wait to see more DWTS.

Teela is finally getting better. She had a asthma attack on Thursday and it scared me to death. I was so worried about that little one. Everytime she's sick, I go back to thinking about you when you were so sick and the thoughts that run through my mind terrify me. I'm glad that you are watching over us and keeping us safe. You are our Angel and I know that we're in good hands.

Your Big sister is preparing for her birthday party this weekend at Chuck E. Cheese's. She's invited four friends and I can only hope that they show up. She doesn't turn six until next Wednesday but this Saturday is my weekend and she doesn't have to go visit her dad or anything. She misses you so much. Please stay close to her. Send her your amazing angel hugs and heavenly kisses.

I love you and miss you always!!!

Mommy

NEW PICTURES

2010-03-17T11:42:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend your sisters had their pictures taken. I hope you enjoy them.

Love,
Mommy