HAPPY 18 MONTHS

Today you are 18 months old!!!! WOW!! The months have passed by so fast. It's funny how life and the world never stops moving. Especially when that's all I ever wanted to happen since I lost you. I want my world to stop. I want everyone to remember you.

Last night Teela got a hold of "Stripes" and Prairie got very defensive about it. Teela was chewing on his arm and Prairie walked over and took him away from her. My mom was mad that Prairie did that. Prairie said "Nan, Teela was biting Stripes, and Cylas can feel it. She was hurting Cylas." My mom said "oh, Cylas can't feel that." And I had to tell her why Prairie likes that tiger. I told mom to hush and not to say anything like that because in Prairie's mind and heart that tiger is her connection to Cylas in heaven. When Prairie is feeling down, she holds Stripes and sends special messages to Cylas. Then my mom, said that she has two grand daughters and one grandson. This also made me mad. I corrected her and said "NO, you have TWO grandsons!!!" I told her not to forget about you. You may not be here, but you are still very much apart of my life and your sister's life and I am not going to let anyone change that.

HAPPY 18 MONTHS CYLAS MYCHAL!!!!!!

Missing you always,

Mom

18 MONTHS OLD

On Wednesday, June 24th you will be 18 months old. And of course I continue to miss you daily that's a given. But I can't help but wonder how busy I would be. You are now way past the excitement of a first tooth, learning to crawl & walk. You are way past saying the small words like "mama", "nana", "baba", & "dada"(even though you didn't really have a dad to begin with). You would be combining your words now. You would be saying "I drink milk", "we go bye bye", and maybe even "love you", but I am pretty sure you would have some cute baby accent. I can only imagine how much fun I would be having with you right now.

I also know that you would be hearing the word NO, NO quite often. I know that you would be climbing all over the place and maybe even kicking a ball. You would actually probably be giving me tons of SCARES!! You are a boy and I know how boys are. Boys always take chances and are big dare devils. You would be probably harrassing your sister even more now, since your movements have inproved and your faster on your feet. I would have to be the referee. I would also be finding ways to drain your energy and hope for a good nights sleep.

NO MORE Bottle would be my goal by now. Notice the word "goal". You were a head strong little boy the 3 weeks you were here so I know you would have challenged my decision. I mean at 2 weeks you had already figured out that a paci doesn't give milk and you didn't want nothing to do with it if your were hungry.

YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH FUN AND I WISH EVERYDAY THAT YOU COULD HAVE STAYED!!!

LOVE YOU,

MOM

ANOTHER B-DAY & ANGELVARSARY SHARED

Cylas, today is my birthday and another year without you here for it. It SUCKS!!!!! You've also been gone for 17 months today. I don't look forward to my birthday anymore. It doesn't hold any meaning anymore. It's a hard day for me.

Cylas, missing you today more than ever!!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!

MOM

"ANOTHER" NEW HEADSTONE

(I don't like this one)

I've made my decision about your current headstone, Cylas. I am going to order another one and it will be one that I pick out. I was able to carry you on my taxes and I am going to use the money I get back for you on your headstone. I was going to buy me a mother's ring or another memorial jewelry peice but I changed my mind. I feel like I was robbed of that option the first time around. I didn't get to say what I would like to see on your current headstone and I didn't get to see it until AFTER it was already set up at your grave. I don't like it, but I appreciate the thought.

I want a headstone with your picture on it and I would like a black headstone if possible. I've got an idea of what I want, but it will be just a matter of time. I want it to look nice and I want it to look like someone cares about you. Me, your sister, Nan, Uncle Junebug, & Pops all care about you. I am going to start working on your headstone design this week. Your cousin Genoa knows a man in TN and can get a good price on one. So I will have price checking for me.

I also want a headstone that you will be proud of. I've got a draft done and I've got two pictures in mind that I think would look nice, but I think I'll ask the rest of the family for help on that one. Your sister likes the one that was taken when you was at the heart doctor the week before you died and honestly I like that one too!

I'll keep you posted.

LOVE,
MOM

I DIDN'T REALIZE.................

Yesterday, I was thinking about your cousin Andrew. You wasn't here long enough to meet him, but you might meet him now that he's in heaven. We used to spend our summer days in the woods, sliding down dirt banks, riding bikes, going to our "secret" club house, and searching for lost cities in our hand made tunnels. It was me, him and his little brother. We had a lot of fun. We were so close back then. But as you know, as we grow sometimes those bonds change and ours definitely did. I suddenly turned into a responsible wife & mother, and they both were still young and had their lives to live. Then Andrew has his twin boys and I thought for sure he would calm down and be the responsible parent for those boys. He was a good dad and he loved those boys but he still wanted to party and do drugs. Bubba, the lil' brother, quit school at 16 and moved in with his cousins. So I didn't and still don't see him that much. I am worried about Bubba now, and I hope and pray that he doesn't do anything crazy.

I've recalled certain things that Andrew would say or do when he was little and I laugh about them. I remember he couldn't say wood pecker; he would say "woody, woody Hecker." He had a toothless smile when he was smaller, and I accidently cut off his rat tail. (He swore to me that he wanted it cut off, but at the last minute he changed his mind but it was too late.) He got mad at me for that but a couple days later he said that it was the best thing I could have done because it made him look "HOT"!! I also remember when he crashed into bank riding his bike down the hill, he didn't get hurt, but got mad because we laughed at him. I grew up with him and even though we drifted apart as of late, it didn't mean I didn't care about him or love him. You just never know what life will throw at you and I've learned that the way with you. I can't say that I am having a hard time, I just can't believe that he's gone. He was only 21 years old.

I didn't realize it until I looked at his memorial card last night, that you died on his birthday. Andrew was born January 15, 1988 and you died January 15, 2008. It surprised me and it hit me like a rock because I never noticed it until last night. Next week is my birthday, June 15th, you have an angelvarsary on the same day. Next Monday, you will be gone for 17 months and I really wish I could say that it's gotten easier, but it hasn't. Last night I told your nana, that at least you had family in heaven waiting for you, and you've even had a few join you since you've left. It's a sad realization but at least I know it.

Cylas we haven't forgotten about you. Each day brings new challenges, and each day brings new wishes. I love you more and more and I wish that I could hug you again and kiss your cheek. Please continue to watch over us and tell everyone that I love them and miss them too!!!!!

(Oh yeah, you have a new stuffed animal. I bought you a new monkey at Dollywood on Saturday. I am trying to stay with the theme of your blog, so I might slowly drift back into collecting monkeys just for you.)

((((HUGS))))
Mommy

UPDATE FROM YESTERDAY'S POST

I will be off tomorrow and Friday. My cousins funeral is planned for Friday. How do you prepare for something like this? I honestly don't think you can. These things are always hard. I can still close my eyes and relive Cylas' funeral. I might have been in a haze the whole time, and I might have been numb, but those memories are still there. It's been very quiet and lonely, which is how I feel after someone has passed away. I think it's the quiteness that does you in. You are left to let your mind race and hit on so many things, it's torture.

Cylas in my heart I know that you are happy in heaven. I know that you are not in pain. I know that you have no worries or wants. I know that you are waiting for the day when we are reunited again. I know that you watch over us everyday, even though we don't always know. I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. My heart aches, my eyes are filled with tears, I only want you in my loving arms.

I love you!!!!!!! Forever & Always!!!!!

MOM

SOME NEW "NEWS"

*This morning I received a phone call, I've learned from past experiences that if it's an early morning call then it's bad news. The call was coming from a cousin of mine. She was calling to let me know that another cousin of ours had passed away due to a drug overdose. He leaves behind two young boys, a brother, and his mom. Right now I am torn between my feelings. I am devastated about his passing, but I am also numb because I haven't spoken to him in over a year. The relationship between my family and the rest of my dad's family has always been strained and that's putting it lightly. Most of my dad's family didn't even attend the funeral or call during my time of sorrow. I still feel as if Cylas didn't matter to them. It definitely hurts.

*I've also had some health issues that started not long after Cylas died. I think that I'm doing good. I'm no longer crying every day, I'm not wanting to hide under a rock, and I'm actually trying to find my "normal'. But it appears that my body is suffering the consequences instead of my mind, heart, & soul. I've got wacky numbers coming back on my liver test. I've been told NOT to drink alcohol and not to take tylenol. I've got a high white blood cell count, I'm taking iron pills along with vitamin C pills. I'm on diabetic medication. The doctors and I can't seem to keep my sugar down. I've got to stay alive for my two kids here on earth. I can only pray and ask God for his healing power and his strength to see me through.

*I worry about Teela. She is a beautiful little girl and she has lit up my life. But the fact of the matter is, her mom took drugs while she was pregnant with her and I am having to watch for possible disabilities. She will be evaluated today and then again on June 11th to see if she is eligible to receive help from the Hope Center program here in Cherokee. I just try my best to let her know that she is loved and she's wanted.

*Prairie is growing daily. She's also the light of my life. She's my reason for living. Well, soon she'll be in kindergarten, and I can't believe it. She's growing up so fast. I am taking her to Dollywood this weekend, depending on what happens with my cousins arrangments. She is so excited about the trip. Usually she doesn't like to go away from home but this time she's ready to go. I'll probably buy her some new clothes and shoes.

*And of course, I am always missing my boy. I love him with all my heart and wish he was still here. I will spend a lifetime missing him and sending my love to him in heaven.

Cylas' Mom